Apart

Friends,

It has been a while since I posted, I know...

My husband and I are separated. Most likely, for good.

Just pray for us.

Irony

I am at the beginning stages of the process to completely work through and overcome the assualt that has occured in my life. It's more difficult than I thought.

Last night at work, a man decided to sexually harrass me. Yup, inappropriate touch and speech.

Why is it that when I am already so raw and vulnerable that something else happens?

Maybe it's irony. Maybe it's just a man being a complete jerk.

Hi There

I have no desire to blog these days. I also have no desire to read anyone else's blog. I do glance over some, but not like I used to. Just thought I'd let you know that I'm not really here on this blog. You can email me, anytime, at spinoriginal@hotmail.com .

Today is my 31st birthday. So, so much has changed since this time last year. Amazing.

All thanks, glory and honor goes to God for the past year - all that He has seen me through and taken me through. I've learned SO MUCH - God has shown me SO MUCH. With God's help, I've accomplished SO MUCH.

Take a moment and thank God for the blessings in your life.

My Dads

God is just so good. There's no other way to say it.

For those of you who have been reading my blog for a while, you know that I grew up without a Dad and I am working through the effects of not having one in my life. Well, God has been teaching me so much about Dad stuff thatI sometimes have to stop and realize what is going on.

About a year ago, I had a Pastor tell me that "if it were meant for me to have another daughter, I'd choose you." As astounding as that was, I didn't know what it meant - what it entailed. The town we moved to this fall is the town that Pastor is - it's the one we are learning from and being discipled by.

I was talking to him about my Dad situation and he told me that I may never have the type of Dad relationship that I want. That urked me. It meant that I had to grieve the idea of having that 'Perfect Dad Relationship'. I was mad, well downright angry, but God helped me work through it. So did the Pastor. We'll call him PM.

As I was working through it, God showed me so much about Him being my Dad - Abba. I worked through the Anger Steps (without realizing it) and I grieved. The last step was me writing to the Dad I Wish I Had. I started a blog just for that. If you read through the 4 short posts, you'll see that God completely changed me and my thinking. It was an amazing wondering experience that will impact me for the rest of my life. It changed my life when I realized that the Dad I Wish I Had is the Dad I Do Have in my Heavenly Father.

I shared my good news with PM. He knew that was a step I needed to make and a place I needed to reach.

Since then, PM and I haven't really talked much about our Dad/Daughter relationship - until tonight. He noticed at the event we had tonight that I wasn't really with it and that I was annoyed. He came over to our house just to see if I was okay. He just wanted to talk. He said that my Dad (him) cares about me and loves me - whatever it is that's going on or what I do, he still loves me. Before he left, he said, "I need a Daughter hug before I go." I started to cry. I said, "It's still so hard to hear that."

All my life I've wanted a Dad. I know that I missed out on so much. Now that I realize that God is my Abba, I can let PM love me like a Dad. I can build a Dad/Daughter relationship with him. He can give me the 5% that God has entrusted to him to give me - "A father to the fatherless". God shows His love to me by using the men in my life to be God with a Face. PM has taken on the physical role of Dad, but God is my Abba - my Daddy - my spiritual Father who fulfills my Dad Dreams.

So, I thank God. He is an incredible Daddy that loves me and wants to spend time with me. I can spend every moment of everyday with Him and He never tires of me or grows weary. He enjoys the time I consciously spend in His presence.

I also thank PM. Without his gentle guiding and leading, I don't know that I'd be at this place. Thanks PM for your Dad Hugs and for taking on the physical role of my Dad.

I am so blessed.

Havin' A Complex

I feel like I am having a complex of some kind. One half of my brain is saying one thing, the other half saying something else, and my emotions are saying something totally different than that! I don't like when my body is not in sync with itself! It's not a fun place to be!

Maybe I'm just tired and need to go to sleep. There's nothing I can do tonight that will make the things I am being pulled over make any more sense.

Think I'll go to bed before this post turns in to one that I'll just end up deleting tomorrow.

Night All!!

Doing Better

I am just going to do a quick update here...

- My husband's step dad is out of the Hospital.
- Our niece and her baby are doing well

I changed the background of my blog to something brighter in hopes that it would encourage me to focus more on the positive than the negative. It's funny because, for those who know me in real life, I am a very positive person. I say 'upside down smile' instead of calling it a frown. Yeah, I'm that bad.

The only place I've been able to share some of the not so nice stuff is here on my blog. And, while I still need that, I am going to do my best to be more positive and share the good things that are happening in my life. I will share more about the lessons I have learned instead of the torture it took to get there.

First thing I'll share is that God answered a prayer of ours. With only me working, finances are usually tight. We've been praying for God's provision in this area of our life. The other night, God woke up a family member of mine and told her to send X amount of money to us. That's right. God totally answered our prayers!!!

Thank God for hearing and answering, and for providing!!

Selfishness

As I read over my 'Crap List', I realize just how petty it is.

There has been so much going on in our family in the past few days that my slight malfunctions are nothing but selfish.

In the past few days, we've had:

1. A friend of mine in a car accident with her son and 2 granddaughters - the 2 year old dies.
2. Neighbour friends of my Mom - their son committed suicide abotu a month ago - we just found out.
3. My husband's step dad had a heart attack and is in ICU in the Hospital.
4. Our niece nearly died along with the baby growing inside her. The baby is on life support and she is in Hospital.
5. My husband's brother had a close friend die suddenly of a heart attack at age 40. The brother then was in a quad rollover and shattered his knee.
6. My husband's sister found out she's pregnant - her boyfriend, apparently, is not supportive. They don't even have a good relationship.

These are just the major things happening. My crap doesn't even come close to comparing to any of this stuff.

God is certainly convincing me that I am far too selfish.

I repent.