Spin Original

Apart

2010-06-12T17:24:00.002-05:00

Friends,

It has been a while since I posted, I know...

My husband and I are separated. Most likely, for good.

Just pray for us.

Irony

2010-05-18T14:50:00.002-05:00

I am at the beginning stages of the process to completely work through and overcome the assualt that has occured in my life. It's more difficult than I thought.

Last night at work, a man decided to sexually harrass me. Yup, inappropriate touch and speech.

Why is it that when I am already so raw and vulnerable that something else happens?

Maybe it's irony. Maybe it's just a man being a complete jerk.

Hi There

2010-05-08T00:59:00.002-05:00

I have no desire to blog these days. I also have no desire to read anyone else's blog. I do glance over some, but not like I used to. Just thought I'd let you know that I'm not really here on this blog. You can email me, anytime, at spinoriginal@hotmail.com .

Today is my 31st birthday. So, so much has changed since this time last year. Amazing.

All thanks, glory and honor goes to God for the past year - all that He has seen me through and taken me through. I've learned SO MUCH - God has shown me SO MUCH. With God's help, I've accomplished SO MUCH.

Take a moment and thank God for the blessings in your life.

My Dads

2010-03-28T22:58:00.002-05:00

God is just so good. There's no other way to say it.

For those of you who have been reading my blog for a while, you know that I grew up without a Dad and I am working through the effects of not having one in my life. Well, God has been teaching me so much about Dad stuff thatI sometimes have to stop and realize what is going on.

About a year ago, I had a Pastor tell me that "if it were meant for me to have another daughter, I'd choose you." As astounding as that was, I didn't know what it meant - what it entailed. The town we moved to this fall is the town that Pastor is - it's the one we are learning from and being discipled by.

I was talking to him about my Dad situation and he told me that I may never have the type of Dad relationship that I want. That urked me. It meant that I had to grieve the idea of having that 'Perfect Dad Relationship'. I was mad, well downright angry, but God helped me work through it. So did the Pastor. We'll call him PM.

As I was working through it, God showed me so much about Him being my Dad - Abba. I worked through the Anger Steps (without realizing it) and I grieved. The last step was me writing to the Dad I Wish I Had. I started a blog just for that. If you read through the 4 short posts, you'll see that God completely changed me and my thinking. It was an amazing wondering experience that will impact me for the rest of my life. It changed my life when I realized that the Dad I Wish I Had is the Dad I Do Have in my Heavenly Father.

I shared my good news with PM. He knew that was a step I needed to make and a place I needed to reach.

Since then, PM and I haven't really talked much about our Dad/Daughter relationship - until tonight. He noticed at the event we had tonight that I wasn't really with it and that I was annoyed. He came over to our house just to see if I was okay. He just wanted to talk. He said that my Dad (him) cares about me and loves me - whatever it is that's going on or what I do, he still loves me. Before he left, he said, "I need a Daughter hug before I go." I started to cry. I said, "It's still so hard to hear that."

All my life I've wanted a Dad. I know that I missed out on so much. Now that I realize that God is my Abba, I can let PM love me like a Dad. I can build a Dad/Daughter relationship with him. He can give me the 5% that God has entrusted to him to give me - "A father to the fatherless". God shows His love to me by using the men in my life to be God with a Face. PM has taken on the physical role of Dad, but God is my Abba - my Daddy - my spiritual Father who fulfills my Dad Dreams.

So, I thank God. He is an incredible Daddy that loves me and wants to spend time with me. I can spend every moment of everyday with Him and He never tires of me or grows weary. He enjoys the time I consciously spend in His presence.

I also thank PM. Without his gentle guiding and leading, I don't know that I'd be at this place. Thanks PM for your Dad Hugs and for taking on the physical role of my Dad.

I am so blessed.

Havin' A Complex

2010-03-19T00:07:00.002-05:00

I feel like I am having a complex of some kind. One half of my brain is saying one thing, the other half saying something else, and my emotions are saying something totally different than that! I don't like when my body is not in sync with itself! It's not a fun place to be!

Maybe I'm just tired and need to go to sleep. There's nothing I can do tonight that will make the things I am being pulled over make any more sense.

Think I'll go to bed before this post turns in to one that I'll just end up deleting tomorrow.

Night All!!

Doing Better

2010-03-17T00:31:00.002-05:00

I am just going to do a quick update here...

- My husband's step dad is out of the Hospital.
- Our niece and her baby are doing well

I changed the background of my blog to something brighter in hopes that it would encourage me to focus more on the positive than the negative. It's funny because, for those who know me in real life, I am a very positive person. I say 'upside down smile' instead of calling it a frown. Yeah, I'm that bad.

The only place I've been able to share some of the not so nice stuff is here on my blog. And, while I still need that, I am going to do my best to be more positive and share the good things that are happening in my life. I will share more about the lessons I have learned instead of the torture it took to get there.

First thing I'll share is that God answered a prayer of ours. With only me working, finances are usually tight. We've been praying for God's provision in this area of our life. The other night, God woke up a family member of mine and told her to send X amount of money to us. That's right. God totally answered our prayers!!!

Thank God for hearing and answering, and for providing!!

Selfishness

2010-03-11T23:39:00.002-06:00

As I read over my 'Crap List', I realize just how petty it is.

There has been so much going on in our family in the past few days that my slight malfunctions are nothing but selfish.

In the past few days, we've had:

1. A friend of mine in a car accident with her son and 2 granddaughters - the 2 year old dies.
2. Neighbour friends of my Mom - their son committed suicide abotu a month ago - we just found out.
3. My husband's step dad had a heart attack and is in ICU in the Hospital.
4. Our niece nearly died along with the baby growing inside her. The baby is on life support and she is in Hospital.
5. My husband's brother had a close friend die suddenly of a heart attack at age 40. The brother then was in a quad rollover and shattered his knee.
6. My husband's sister found out she's pregnant - her boyfriend, apparently, is not supportive. They don't even have a good relationship.

These are just the major things happening. My crap doesn't even come close to comparing to any of this stuff.

God is certainly convincing me that I am far too selfish.

I repent.

Maybe Some Cheese with My Whine...

2010-03-03T11:37:00.002-06:00

This is the lowest I have been for a LONG time. And, it usually lasts 2 days and is over with - the break-thru comes. Not this time. Today is day 4. Things that don't seem to bother me much when I'm well, all konglomerate and pile up when I am low. All those things that didn't seem important enough to talk through when I was 'up' are now the things that are keeping me 'down'. Interesting, eh?!

You'd think I'd learn from this experience to talk through and deal with the things of life, no matter how small they seem, when they take place. That way, my lows won't be filled with things I haven't deal with.

Maybe I need to write more when I am well instead of only writing and seeking help when I am in the gutter.

My Crap List is long. Most are things that I think others will think is stupid to have on my list. One of those is how much I hate that I am so ugly. I have some kind of skin condition that gives me a weird kind of pimples and red blotches all over my face. On top of that, my psoriosis is beginning to act up again - which I know is contibuting to the mess on my face. I hate looking in the mirror. There are things that I am supposed to be doing that I'm not because my ugly face is holding me back. I wouldn't even care about being overweight if I was just able to leave the house without makeup on. I live in makeup bondage.

Writing about it is just making me more depressed. I'm going to go have a piece of cheese... ;)

Whine Again

2010-03-02T23:42:00.002-06:00

I am going to whine again. Twice in one day.

I really, really don't know what is wrong with me. There's so many things going on in my head that I can't even make sense of any of it.

Friends of mine came into work tonight. They knew something was wrong. When I got home, she called me and asked me to go to her place for Chai Tea either tonight or tomorrow morning. She asked me what is wrong - they know there's something up with me. I didn't go there tonight - tomorrow is doubtful. I really don't feel like I am ready to just spill my guts with someone - even my BFF's. Being open and vulnerable is really not me, yet I know that's where I need to be.

This state, right now, is not really a fun place to be.

Madame Blueberry

2010-03-02T11:51:00.002-06:00

I don't enjoy being a whiner - and I am not one to whine much at all. That is not the case right now though! I am still in a serious funk aboout the meeting the other night, along with some other issues. I may as well share them because there's no where else I can be totally honest.

1. No Appreciation - I already explained this one so I am going to leave it alone for now. The only thing I'll add is that I also put time into putting together (typing reports and photocopying) the booklets and there was no aknowledgement there either.

2. At the meeting it was brought up about the church website. The guy who is in charge of updating the site does not have time to do it. I told the Chair before that I would LOVE to be able to update and maintain the site. The problem is the the guy who developed it has it all done in codes and html stuff that I have no idea about. It's not just a normal template that I am used to using. It's very complicated and I can't do it. So, the problem is that there's no updating being done on the site because there is only ONE person who is able to do that updating. it sucks. I want to be able to use my ability to be creative and maintain that site, but I can't.

3. I am losing my faith. When we moved here, I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that God was going to take care of us. Now, we are behind in our bills and it's much more difficult to trust.

4. I hate that I can't be completely honest with the one person who calls me his BFF. He told me he'd choose me as a daughter and has, apparently, taken on a Dad role in my life. PROBLEM - I don't really see that role at all. It's most likely because my ideas of a dad/daughter relationship are completely messed up - but it's not at all what I thought it would be. The first couple of days was good - then it went to meaning nothing. There was no follow up. I thought that being a daughter meant being cared about, but I am not seeing that at all and IT REALLY HURTS.

Well, that some of what's going on right now. I don't like being in this low.

Thank you for listening. I appreciate it.

Lack of Appreciation

2010-02-28T23:18:00.002-06:00

I need someone to talk to, and you're it!! :)

I am feeling very low right now. I was at a meeting tonight that just left me feeling depressed. I just felt so out in left field and so unappreciated.

Yes, I wanted a thank you. I don't usually care one way or the other, but tonight's meeting should have had an 'appreciation' element to it - not just for my husband and I, but for the many people that volunteer.

I was a little choked.

There was absolutely no one that I am able to talk to about this - my husband would be upset if i pointed out the lack of appreciation, the Chair of the meeting would be offended, and anyone I talk to would call me selfish. So, instead, I'll whine on here for a few minutes and hopefully be done with it so I can move on.

Good Night~

Seeking My One Percent Person

2010-02-16T11:01:00.002-06:00

I've been having lots of 1% days lately.

When I lived in Saskatchewan, there was one person that I could go to. He was my 'outside source'. He wasn't involved in any other part of my life - only in the capacity of talks we would have sometimes. We shared with each other about life and, mostly, about what God was doing in our lives. He was a converation outlet for me, and saved me from the depths of despair on many occasions - just by sharing on a mutual level. He was my 1% guy.

That is what I need now. I share lots with my husband, I share with my Pastor, and I talk to his wife. The problem is that they are all involved in my life so intricately that it's difficult for them to be objective and non-defensive about what I have going on inside. i know they care about me and want what's best, but there are times I just want to SHARE. Share means "to participate in, use, enjoy, or experience jointly or in turns." That's the kind of sharing I like. To experience jointly.

I just want to have someone in my life to share with on a common and mutual level, and in-person. I am seeking out a new 1% person - and if that grows into a deep friendship, that would be awesome!!

The Matters

2010-02-10T22:50:00.002-06:00

Ever had one of those days where you just need someone to talk to? Me, too. That's the kind of day I had today.

There are people in my life that I know I can talk to about certain things. I go to my BFF for just about everything. And, I, of course, talk to my husband and 99% of things. Today was the 1% day. I need someone to talk to about the 1%.

I can feel myself beginning to slip a little and unless I catch myself, I'm just going to keep going down. I had about 2 weeks of happy/up days. Although I am not bipolar, I do tend to fluctuate in my mood on a pretty regular basis. It's most likely hormone related, but I've never talked to a Doctor about that side of things. He may suggest the Birth Control Pill - I'd be okay with that because it would most likely help my skin, too, which has never been the same since I took Topamax.

I find myself procrastinating like crazy lately! I don't know what's the matter with me these last few days! Could easily be the 'mood slide'. Yeah, most likely to do with the lack of motivation when I'm not up to my emotional par.

That's about it. Thanks for listening.

My Day

2010-02-07T21:22:00.002-06:00

Has Been Like A Rollercoaster.

It started at church first thing this morning. Two people were down each other's throats.

The Church service was great. The Message was rough, but it was straight from the Bible and was something I/we needed to hear.

Our family decided to go out for lunch - and that was a very good decision! That was the best moments of the day!

When we got home, we discovered there were several phone calls from my place of work, and a call from my Mom. I listened to the messages and called Mom back. They called from work to see if I'd go in. If I didn't go in, Mom would have to go back after a 2 hour break and close. That'd be 7am-2pm and 4pm-9pm. I take Sundays off because I am involved in church - that was our reason for moving to this town in the first place. So, the whole thing made me angry because I knew that Mom would have to work 12 hours since I didn't go in. Not fair. Working with family sucks sometimes.

Mom went on to tell me a couple of things that she was 'concerned' about regarding our children - mostly Sally. That irritated me. It was things that really didn't have to worry her and cause the concern that she put forth. I wanted to say so much to her in response, but I didn't. I do respect my Mom and her opinions and I didn't want to say something I'd regret.

Around 4pm, I tried to have a nap. I put my earphones in one ear and laid on the couch. I dozed for 10 minutes and the kids came wanting something. About 10 minutes later, my husband came in grumping about something. So, a nap really didn't happen. I got up off the couch in a very foul mood and freaked out on my husband. I was just so tired from lack of sleep on Friday night (3.5 hours). After I loaded the dishwasher I calmed down and went to my husband and said I was sorry. All was forgiven.

I decided to call my father - my biological one. I haven't talked to him much lately, so I figured I may as well give him a call and see how things are going. He recently moved to another town, so I was wondering how he was doing. We had a beautiful conversation. When he told me that he loves me, it hit a different way than ever before. I could somehow sense his genuineness. We talked about God (!!) and that God has done a great work in my marriage. He said that I must be praying for him lots - that's amazing.

When we hung up, I started to cry. I haven't cried after talking to him for some time now, but I did today. My BFF thinks it's because I have changed so much in the past little while that I am more sensitive and open to what the Holy Spirit is saying to me - to hear more that just words.

I've had such spiritual growth in the past little while that I sometimes feel like I can't contain it.

(side note) Remember how I've been searching so desperately for my 'place' in this new town? Well, I've battled with it for about about 4 months. My BFF wouldn't tell me what my gifts are - he wanted me to listen to God for them myself. My BFF said I have 2 predominent gifts that just flow totally naturally out of me - so natural that I couldn't even see them in myself. We took the youth out of town this weekend, and I had reached the end of my rope with trying to figure out what my gifts are. My BFF and I sat down during the movie and we talked for about 3 hours straight. And, he told me what my gifts are - and they do flow naturally from me - I didn't see one of them at all, the other one I had a feeling about but I kept doubting it.

There's so much I could write about that conversation and the revelation, but I won't - for now. The awesome thing is that I now have PURPOSE and PASSION for this town and for what God wants me to do - something I haven't had before. I am EXCITED about what HE is going to do through me.

Anyway, when I went to Church tonight, I went and got a hug from my BFF right away and had a little chat with him. It's amazing how he helps me understand things and put it into perspective. I am so blessed to have him in my life.

The study tonight was really good. I enjoy our Sunday evening meeting so much. My friend and I led worship and I enjoyed it. By the end of the night, I ws feeling good. THEN, it happened...

Someone criticized our children / our parenting skills. I got angry and had to leave. I took the kids and walked across to the Corner Store. I haven't totally worked through this one yet, but it cerainly was not what I needed to hear after such a roller coaster day.

Now, I sit on the couch, SOOOO ready for sleep. I'm so tired. And, that's where I'm going. I have lots to ponder from today's/this weekend's events. I have to fit them into some category.

I am thankful to be where I am with the people I am with. God knows what He's doing.

Update and Reflection

2010-01-26T22:54:00.002-06:00

The past two weeks have been very emotionally difficult for me. I've been working through and trying to deal with stuff - which usually isn't a fun process. But, there was a light at the end of the tunnel and I just kept heading for it. There were some times that I couldn't see it, but I kept going around the turn and there it was. And, praise be to God, I came out the other end!!

I have now been bipolar medication free for 13 months. When I was first diagnosed, I was told that I'll have to be on meds for the rest of my life. There would be 'tweaking' to find out what would work the best, and there'd be med changes, but I'd be on something for life.

God had other plans.

After dealing with crap from my life, and experiencing the true, genuine love of God, I was changed from the inside out. God did a work in me that was so enormous that I no longer needed to take medication. I was taught coping techniques that I use to this day.

I wasn't bipolar at all. I had no chemical imbalance. I did have emotional problems caused by a significant amount of built up anger. When I dealt with that, I was able to begin handling life again.

Now?? I still have times that I am low and angry and frustrated. But, I have a living, loving relationship with my Heavenly Father like I've never had before. I go to Him now, and to the tools that I was given. I had someone be Jesus with skin on for me - and that changed my life.

THAT is what I want to be for other people. I want to be Jesus' love to others who are hurting and who need to be shown the genuine love of their Father. I want to be for others what someone was for me.

VERY Quick Update

2010-01-13T12:58:00.000-06:00

Still here. Still alive.

Tell you more later!!

Starting Over

2009-12-25T23:44:00.002-06:00

Well, I am back. I have tried to go without writing in this blog, but I really do miss my blog friends! I have grown to love and appreciate so many of you, and I really don't want to cut you out of my life.

Things are going okay in my world. Today is Christmas Day, and it went great. We had a delicious meal at my Mom and Dad's place, followed by a 'long winters nap', and some more fellowshipping.

I have to admit that I am missing that Christmas 'feeling' this year. I don't know why that is. It could be because I have been remembering where Dion, the kids, and I were at in our home/relationship this time last year. It could be that we moved into a house only 10 days ago and that we've been busy with getting things in the house organized along with getting the gifts, etc. It could be that I am really missing my BF that died 9 years ago. I am now living in the town that we lived in together, and that is taking a toll on me. I never really had to deal with her loss in this kind of way before, and grieving is not something that I am all that familiar with.

I am thankful today for friends and family. I really am blessed.

I am going to do my best to be more open and honest on this blog and in life. Maybe, just maybe, something that I am going through and share will encourage someone else.

Farewell

2009-09-24T00:32:00.003-05:00

Well, friends, this is it. I'm shutting down Spin Original.

I am doing this for a couple of reasons:

1. I am really moving to different topics than I originally started Spin Original for, and I feel like I need a change.

2. I feel like I can't really express myself when there's a possibility that people from my 'real' life are reading it. I need to vent, and sometimes I feel like I can't even do that on my own blog.

SO, if you are interested in my new site, please email me and ask me to send you the link.

spinoriginal@hotmail.com

Here I Am!

2009-09-21T20:11:00.002-05:00

Okay, I am back!!

I've been missing you all but have been so concentrated on trying to get settled in our new environment that I haven't had time to really write about what's going on!!

As you know, we've made a move. We are living in a little town in NW Ontario. Our purpose in moving was to do work at the church here. Dion and I are leading the youth and young adults programs here as well as other ministeries around the church. We are very excited to be here and about the things that God is already doing. We have SUCH great mentors - the Pastor and his wife are INCREDIBLE people and we are so blessed to be learning under their leadership. I really feel that our time here is totally invaluable.

That being said, I am in the process of finding the new me. My roles here are so completely different than any other time in my life. I am growing and learning, and doing in a new environment. I am totally happy to be here and I anticipate what God is going to do, yet I am still having trouble figuring out how I belong in it all.

One thing I've been doing since I've been here is bottling. Yup, holding it all inside. This is NOT a good thing for me, at all! I need to find a way to be able to get out what is inside and do it in the right way. Dion calls me "Grumpy" which is exactly how I get when I am unable to get things out.

So, I think I just might be blogging a lot in the next while. At least this is an avenue to express myself without feeling judgement. I know my blog friends are here for me, and that is a comfort. You guys are the one of the 2 things that haven't changed in this whole shift of life - and I appreciate that.

Quick Update

2009-09-05T01:36:00.002-05:00

I know it's been a while since I posted anything worth reading, and this one isn't going to change that pattern much!!

I just want to let you know what is going on in my world, so that you don't think I've fallen off the face of the earth and left you hangin'...

Dion, the kids and I are in the middle of packing up our stuff and moving to Ontario!! It has been a busy summer anyway, and since we decided last Sunday to make the move, things have only become busier!! We've been going non stop all week. We leave here bright and early Monday morning - yes, just a week after decided to move.

I look forward to catching up and hearing all about how each of your summer went. But, that won't happen for at least another week, maybe more. By the time we get settled there and actually get internet hooked up, it could be longer.

Just know that I'm thinking about ya and praying you are all doing well.

Blog Break?

2009-08-03T00:35:00.001-05:00

Hey there friends!!

We made it to my parents place safe and sound!! We left a day early and totally surprised my Mom!! It was cute...

Hope you are all well. Not sure how much I am going to be blogging while I am away, but that doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you! :)

Our 10th Anniversary!

2009-07-29T11:01:00.003-05:00

Ten years ago today, I said, "I DO". Dion said, "I will", but I messed up and said, "I do". It was funny! (For those who noticed :)

I have to be honest and say that 8 months ago I never thought that we'd make it to today - I am so thankful we did!!!

Dad Hug

2009-07-24T14:53:00.002-05:00

I have lots on my mind today - but that is a good thing!! I still feel like I am on a high from Camp - and I guess I will be for a long time - hopefully forever!! :)

I am working my last shift at work right now. As of today, I will officially unemployed for the first time in over 6 years!! I am very excited!!

I do want to talk about a topic today - the topic of DADS.

I grew up in a single parent home - just my Mom and I. I totally loved growing up the atmosphere and home I did, and I wouldn't change it for the world. That being said, there has been a 'hole' in my heart for many, many years where a Dad should have been. I've done some therapy kind of work to deal with the loss of growing up without a Dad, and I have totally accepted it.

One of the things that having an absent father has done in my life is that I didn't know how to act or interact with a man. That, I believe, is one of the reasons for my totally vulernability to the guy who sexually abused me in middle school. After that time, there was another man who took advantage of me in another kind of sexual way. I just had no idea how to act around them. From that time on, any kind of man interaction had some kind of sexual connotaion attached. I don't mean that anything sexual happened, I just mean that the only category I had for men involved a sexual element.

In the past couple of years, I have had 3 significant men enter my life in the 'Dad Role" - meaning they have chosen to 'adopt' me as their daughter.

I always thought that was incredible that a man would choose me as his daughter, when my own father wanted nothing to do with me since before birth. But, I didn't know how to receive that kind of love from a man. Until Camp last week...

I saw a Pastor and his daughter sitting outside talking, and it made something move inside me. I am always warmed by fathers and daughters interacting. So, I told the Pastor how it blessed my heart to see them talking because I grew up without a Dad and didn't have that kind of bond. He said, "Here, let me give you a Dad Hug." Those 2 words changed my life. DAD HUG. I suddenly had a category to be able to put Dad Love in!

One of the men at Camp was one of the ones who adopted me as his daughter about 3 years ago. We've always had a good relationship and we've talked about lots of things. But, the 'feeling' was wrong on my part, because I didn't know where to put male affection that wasn't somehow sexual - until the Dad Hug came along. After that, I was able to let that special man love me in a Dad kind of way.

I was up at the altar one night just sitting on the bench, and he came over and sat beside me. He didn't say anything to me but just rubbed my back. It was something that a Dad would do to his daughter. That was Dad Love in action. The next morning, I went to him and gave him the biggest daughter hug I could. I simply said, "Thank you" and walked away.

I've finally learned what having a Dad really is about. I finally know how being a daugther to a Dad is supposed to feel. I didn't have any of those "bad" feelings anymore - ones that I knew weren't supposed to be there. I have a sweet place in my heart for all those men in my life who have showed me Dad Love, even though I didn't know how to accept/receive it.

It feels so good to have that hole beginning to fill up.

I can't leave out my step-dad in this whole thing. He has showed me unconditional love in the purest and truest form. I just didn't know what to do with it. I am excited to see him and have a real place in my heart to put that love. I look forward to seeing another "Dad" that God has given me who said he would choose me for his daughter. While I was totally astounded when he told me that, I still didn't know what to do with it. Now that I do, I anticipate getting a Dad Hug from him.

It's only because I am finally understanding the love of God, my true Father, that I am able to give and receive father/daugher love here. God says that He is a "father to the fatherless." (Hosea 14:3). It wasn't until I felt it and it was explained to me that I discovered that the verse means that God will provide other men to be a Dad to those who don't have one. When I look back over my life, God truly has provided men to be that Dad to me... and now I can welcome them with open arms and an open heart.

ALL of Me

2009-07-23T00:04:00.002-05:00

I've made a decision...

I deleted the other blogs I had running. I find it difficult to split myself up into categories of "where do I feel like posting today?" So, this is the blog it will all go.

For a while, I was pretty focused on bipolar and how it affected my life. Since my "undiagnosis", it's a topic that's not as much in the forefront, but one I write about on occasion. So, then, this blog will contain it all. While I may no longer have a die-hard bipolar blog, I would hope that you accept ALL areas of my life - of which God is a big one.

So, there you have it. I hope you stick around and continue to share with me, as I write more about the 'whole' of my life and not just certain topics.

Back From Camp!

2009-07-20T11:53:00.002-05:00

WOW! What an amazing week I (well, WE!) had at Camp!! Thanks to you all for your encouragement to enjoy!!

God changed my life at Camp. He has given Dion and I some direction for the rest of the summer, and that's cool! Dion gave his 2 week resignation notice today! We will be leaving here on August 1st to go to my parents place for about 3 weeks! YAY! We are looking at it as so much more than a holiday - it is "Training Ground" for what we will be doing starting in the fall. (Dion will be Youth Pastoring). We are going to help out my parents church and Pastor as much as we possibly can while we are there. We just want to be a blessing to them and minister in any way that we can. We feel this time is ordained of God, and we are excited about it!!

Well, that's all I have time for today. We just got back yesterday afternoon, and Dion had to be at work first thing this morning, so there's lots of unpacking and laundry to do!

Blessings to you all!

Happenings

2009-07-10T14:51:00.002-05:00

Couple of things to report this week:

1. I am only working on Fridays at my job. I prayed to be able to stay home with the kids, and God has worked it all out!

2. I got my cast off!! I am walking pretty good. The cast was supposed to be put on my foot so that my foot sat at a 90 degree angle. That was slightly off so it feels like the inside of my ankle is seized up - it's tight and stiff. The Doctor said to do exercises to stretch it - basically my own therapy on it. But, at least I can walk and shower!!!

3. I am heading out to Family Camp tomorrow!! I won't be home until July 19th!! I go every year and teach the Preschoolers about Jesus - definitely a highlight of my summer!!

That's it for now. Guess I'll talk to you in a week and a half or so. Hope you have a wonderful week!! Just because I'm not here doesn't mean I won't be thinking about you!! :)

Take care!

Mental Illness Article

2009-07-06T11:41:00.003-05:00

Here is an article from The Prince Albert Daily Herald:

Mental illness does not have physical symptoms. If it did, perhaps, this grave condition might be treated with more respect. It might even be acknowledged, openly, instead of veiled in shadows of fear and half-truths.

Many people suffer from it but outwardly appear just fine. And because of this, there are many who dismiss depression and anxiety as weaknesses, a lack of willpower. Some people think that if someone just tried to be happy, he or she wouldn't be depressed anymore.

It isn't that simple, though some would think otherwise. Ample studies show that an alarming portion of people suffering from addictions have underlying challenges with mental illness. The same also holds true for those in our criminal system.

Yet because of the lack of physical manifestation, some people don't think it's as dangerous as physical ailments such as heart disease or cancer. But for some people, it's an incredibly destructive force that's just as hard to fight as cancer - and some don't win that battle.

Sadly, that is what happened to Moose Jaw's former representative in Ottawa, Dave Batters. The disease won when Batters committed suicide on Monday.

A lot of people may dismiss his actions as simply giving up. But mental illness is not that simple. There's no way to know what was going on in Batters' mind. He may not even have been totally aware of his actions.

Depression can be incredibly destructive and when there is an outcome such as the one on Monday, it can leave everybody left behind in shock because we may not have seen it coming.

Sadly, there is nothing that can be done now to help Batters. Hopefully, the shock created by his suicide will stay in the minds of everybody and make them view the disease differently and more seriously.

While it is sad that a man just 39 years-old is leaving a legacy behind, let his legacy be one of awareness. Let people remember that depression can be devastating both for those affected by it and the friends and family around them.

Transcontinental Media

Reaching Out

2009-07-02T12:14:00.002-05:00

When I went through the Unresolved Anger Decompression work, I went through 7 of the 8 steps without any problem. The 8th step I left out in regards to certain people who have hurt me in my past. The 8th step is "Reaching out to the offender." Those "offenders" who are still in my life, I have reached out to and mended our relationship. Those who are not still in my life, I left alone and did not make any effort to reach out to them. My excuse was that I had no idea how to contact them.

This morning while I was on Facebook, two of the men that 'offended' me showed up. No, they didn't ask me to be their friend, but I found them from their commenting on a picture of one of my friends.

Now I have no excuse not to reach out to them.

How important do you think this step is in both the decompression of unresolved anger, and in the forgivess process?? If I do decide to reach out to them, what in the world would I say??

Bit Of It All

2009-06-26T15:37:00.002-05:00

Okay, where do I begin?!

I can't figure out why I feel like I have to do this life on my own. I desperately want to talk to someone about the kinds of things that I am feeling/working through, but it just seems like there's just no one to be able to have that kind of conversation with. Kinda sad.

Yes, I said I want to talk to someone. That is not something that I admit easily, but there comes a time when I realize that the only way I am going to make much sense of what is going on is by talking about it. But, as life would have it, I have no one to have a deep, meaningful, helpful conversation with.

There was one person that I was able to share with and get great advice from. Lately, however, those kinds of conversations have not been taking place. I emailed this friend, on a number of occasions, without much of a reply on any topic. We have spoken on the phone about 3 times in the past two weeks, but it's not like it used to be. Now that I am actually ready to let someone in, no one is reaching for my hand.

I am thankful for the friends I do have, and maybe it is up to me to open myself up more than I do with them.

I am growing and changing, and that excited me! I just don't want to feel any longer that I am doing it on my own.

Above all, I am thankful that I can do life with God. He is the One Person that does stick with me. He listens at any time of day or night. In fact, He waits for me to talk to Him. As I go about my day, He is waiting patiently for me to look to Him and to talk to Him about what is going on. I fail so often in not going to Him first. But, no matter how long it takes for me to finally turn to Him, He is still there - with a smile on His face.

His love is amazing, His grace is sufficient, and His mercies are new every morning.

What a Friend I have in Jesus.

Thoughts

2009-06-24T14:44:00.004-05:00

This is an exerpt from an email I wrote to the Counsellor/Psychologist I had sessions with while Dion and I were seperated:

I was reading over some emails from when I was there. It made me remember all the feelings that I was experiencing at that time. It also made me remember just how serious our situation was. When I compare that to the things I am facing now, the now seems very small. When I was there, I didn't know if I had a marriage to go back to, or even work for. Everything in my world as I knew it had fallen apart. I thought that it was the end. I was so cold, and distant. My feelings had been shut off for so long that nothing could penetrate the deep places of my heart. I didn't really care about anything or anyone, and I was so medicated that tears were few and far between.

I never want to be in that place again.

Then you came along. Your teaching began to trickle into any small opening and crevice in my heart it could find. The Word of God opened my eyes and touched my life in ways that it never had before. I started to know, really know, and feel, what love is all about. You taught me and showed me love like I had never seen before. The day of our friend's funeral, when I walked out of your office after talking to Dion on the phone, you knew something was wrong and so you put down your books and gave me a hug. You let me feel my feelings, you gave me a shoulder to cry on, you gave me some of your strength (kinda like the woman who touched the hem of Jesus' garment), you didn't judge me, you stopped what you were doing to minister to me, and you let me know that you loved me and cared about me by one simple action. It was that moment that began the real change process for me. That's when I knew I was going to make it. You showed me more love in that moment then I'd felt for a long time. In that moment, I let you love me. It was genuine.

I want to be that kind of love for other people.

Yes, things seem to be difficult right now, as I try to surrender my need for control. I didn't realize how much 'in control' I need to feel! But, now I finally get #2 of the forever love - "Forever love believes that even small behaviour changes can lead to major improvements in relationships." Just giving up my need to have control makes a huge difference. Do I have this mastered? Nope. But, I am working on it. I really want to step out of the way and let God be in control. I've been trying to do life and figure it out on my own for WAY too long. God is teaching me and challenging me in so many areas. A part of giving up control is allowing myself to be vulnerable - and that is really hard for me. Genuine love for people comes with vulnerability. I don't want to fear being vulnerable anymore. I know it's a hindering point for me in so many areas. But, when I let God be in control, I don't need to fear people. If I can open up to the right people when He tells me to, then I have nothing to fear.

I want to surrender my control and be the vulnerable, loving, tender-hearted, sensitive, empathetic, caring, and sweet girl that I know is inside.

And, I want to let others love me.

Use What You've Been Given

2009-06-24T14:17:00.000-05:00

(originally posted here)

The Bible says “to whom much is given, much is required.” Luke 12:48. Immediately I think of those who are talented. I think of the musicians who could be playing in church, the well-spoken who could be sharing the Gospel, and those with material possessions who could be helping the needy. I think of all the good things people are given and how they are required to use those things as best they can.

Reality check – the verse does not say, “To whom much GOOD is given, much is required.”

What about the things in our lives that are not so good? What about the hurt, pain, suffering and illness? What does God want us to do with those things??

Technically, those things have been given to us, and therefore much is required of us, even in those areas.

How can I use the bad things in my life?? FOR UNDERSTANDING. Being understood is a basic human NEED.

Those who have been abused will understand others who have been through, or are in, an abusive situation.

Those who have lost a loved one can understand the agony of someone who’s lost a parent or sibling.

Those with a mental illness can relate to, and understand, the person who is depressed, or feels like they are “losing it.”

Everything you’ve been given you are required to use – be it good, bad, or anything in between.

Ask God to show you how you can use EVERYTHING in your life to bring glory to Him, and maybe reach a few lives along the way.

Random Strange-ness

2009-06-23T12:40:00.000-05:00

The kids began to sing the old tune:
“Dion and Paula, sitting in a tree,
K-I-S-S-I-N-G…”

I assumed they would go on with the
“First comes love, then comes marriage,
Then comes Paula with a baby carriage.”

Well, that is NOT how it went. They sang,
“First comes love, then comes SEX!”

My. Jaw. Dropped.

Later Cailyn finished singing it for me:
“That’s not it, no, that’s not all,
Now the baby’s drinking ALCOHOL!”

My, how times have changed since I was a kid! (No, it’s not THAT long ago :)

Sure shows how far morals have depleted in such a short time. Crazy.

Healing

2009-06-23T12:14:00.000-05:00

Kaden’s prayer, on the day he got his cast taken off: (he's 5)

“Thank You God for healing my foot.”

That one simple line changed my whole view of healing. I have always thought that healing was ‘instant’, not the end result. By that I mean that I thought that God didn’t heal Kaden because he still had to wear the cast for over 4 weeks. To me, healing would have been Kaden waking up the morning after he hurt his foot and it being okay, or not needing the second cast. The truth is that God is the only person who can heal our broken bodies and heal all our diseases. Yes, Kaden needed to have a cast for almost 5 weeks, but it was God who healed his bones while the cast was on. God designed our bodies to heal itself. He designed our skin to reproduce cells to stop bleeding and close a wound. God made our immune systems to fight off viruses so that we are not sick all the time. So, ultimately, God is the One who does ALL the healing.

Proverbs 3:7, 8 – “Don’t be impressed with your own wisdom. Instead, fear the Lord and turn away from evil. Then you will have healing for your body and strength for your bones.”

Jeremiah 30:17 – “I will give you back your health and heal your wounds, says the Lord.”

James 5:15 – “Such a prayer offered in faith will heal the sick, and the Lord will make you well. And if you have committed any sins, you will be forgiven.”

Jesus heals the physical, but it’s the spiritual healing that matters most.

Susan Quotes

2009-06-22T14:38:00.003-05:00

Susan hit a couple of nails on the head in the past week.

"What's holding yuou back? ...Since you have so much to offer, it's got to feel limiting to not be able to "give it" and "receive it" as well."

This is actually something that I have talked to my counsellor about. He said that loving someone means letting them love me. If love is only felt in the giving, I am being selfish by not allowing others to love me. I don't let people 'in'. I tend to keep everyone at arms length. I am not naturally vulnerable, but I am going to start trying to be more open. In fact, I took a Fabcebook quiz today and the result was "You are maybe a big agressive. You scare ppl! but you are not mean, you are a good friend once people come to know you..just be a bit more open!" Pretty much dead on!

On a similar topic...

Susan said, "as much as I loved the people in my life who have died, and as sad as their deaths have made me feel, I wouldn't have missed having them in my life just so I wouldn't have had to feel the pain when they died."

This is another reason I only let people get so close. I fear losing them. I want to avoid being hurt. I KNOW that it's not fair on my part, and it's selfish. I don't want to be that way anymore! I want to love with my whole heart, and let others love me. Life is too short to live any other way!

So, that is my mission. I want to be more loving - the genuine kind of love - the one that loves and lets love.

That's my new motto - Love and Let Love!!

Encouragement at a Most Needed Time

2009-06-18T10:45:00.003-05:00

God knew I need cheering up. God knew I needed to hear the love and support of those around me. Here's some of the comments I got after my post yesterday:

"Every detail of your life matters to God. Thinking of you and yur family and praying that you and Kaden will be healing fast. Take good care."

"Thank you for making my world a better place by you being in it. Take good care of yourself."

"Praying a special prayer for you. I may not be able to take away the pain you feel today. I may not be able to find the right words to say. But I can hold you close in my heart and lift you uip in prayer. My dearest Paula Joy, I cannot calm the storms of life but I know a Man who can and I have been talking to Him about everything you are going through. He knows and He cares. He is the only one who can give you strength for each new gay. Rest in the Lord. He will see you through. He is always with you. I pray that God will fill your heart and home with joy and peace to an overflowing abundance and do more than you can even think possible. Sending much love and prayers to you."

"There's a reason for my smile today... and it's you. What richness you bring to my live. Thank you. We have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of His will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. Col. 1:9. Dearest Paula, thank you so much for the watch (did you know that my favourite colors are green and blue!?!) What I treasure even more are the encouraging words, compliments, love, and countless other things you have done for me. All of this means so much. You are a blessing."

"Well, I'm praying for you kiddo. Laurie and I love you and send you a big hug. Hope that will eliviate some of the presurre."

Thank you to those of you who left comments for me, too. You are all very special and I love each of you.

Paula's Pity Party

2009-06-17T13:58:00.002-05:00

Hey guys,

I am not really doin' so well today. I feel so very alone. I know that God is with me all the time, even when I don't feel Him, but today I need someone to sit and cry with. The funny thing is, I actually have no one in my life that I can just sit and cry with. Okay, maybe that's not funny, just sad.

I do have peace about the future. God knows where we'll be and what we'll be doing, and I am thankful for that. It's the right now, this moment that I am having difficulty with.

I was looking at some pictures of my friends on Facebook. There were so many photos of her with her friends. I see lots of photos of friends with friends. I don't think I have any pictures of me just hanging out with my pals. Guess you need to have some pals in order to get pictures taken with them.

Yes, this is going to be a Paula Pity Party.

So, the question is, why don't I have any friends? The Bible says that in order to have friends, a person must be friendly. Is that where my problem lies? Am I not friendly enough? Maybe it's because I don't persue people enough. I am usually quite content with being alone, or having a couple of close confidants. Today is not that day.

Another thing that is really weighing me down today is the amount of weight I have gained. I am not happy with myself. I know that it's the inside that matters, and that God says I am fearfully and wonderfully made in His image. I get that He loves me no matter what the scale says or the size of my pants. And, that should be enough for me. Usually it is, but today it's not.

If you are wondering where all this came from, it's partly from a video I watched yesterday about 37 year old Rachel that has terminal cancer. Her story is quite amazing. Watch it here. It is worth the time to watch. It has sure put into perspective a lot of things for me, and I am not sure what to do with what I've been thinking about since watching that video. I feel like I have so much to process and I don't have a clue where to start.

I've learned a lot while being held up due to my broken ankle. I've had lots of information coming in, but I just don't know how to make sense of it. I analyze it all and I don't know how to put it into action, or how to get it from my head to my heart. I feel like there is so much pressure on me to live and act a certain way. God has taught me a lot, but how can I live up to what I now know to be truth?

Family Camp is coming up in only 4 1/2 weeks. This will be my 6th summer teaching children ages 2-5 for a week. I love doing that ministry. Because my whole outlook on life, God, and everything has changed, I am trying to figure out what to teach these little ones that will most impact their lives. I know they are only young, but they understand and remember SO much. I want them to learn the things that I didn't learn at their age but it would have helped me immensely if I did.

There's just so much more to do than what I am doing now. This job doesn't do it for me. I want to be talking to people and sharing the love of Jesus with them! It is very difficult right now with a cast on, and maybe God is giving me some down time to prepare me for what He has in store for my future.

Speaking of the future: if Dion decides to take the job here that was offered to him, then I will be going back to College. I've already been accepted into the Recreational Therapy program, and I am excited about that! But, if it's meant for me to go to stay here and go to school, then I need to get on it!! Tuition, supplies, all that stuff. I have no idea what my next move is supposed to be, and I have to wait until this cast is off before I can go to the College to talk with them, and go to the Metis Association to see about them funding my schooling. I've also applied for another job, one that is ministry associated, and I should here back from them in the next day or two.

So much to do, and no mobility to do it.

Brief

2009-06-15T14:32:00.002-05:00

I need to quit slacking and write a post already!! :)

It's been nearly two weeks since I last posted, and I am feeling MUCH better. I am getting used to having this green boot on my foot (that's what it feels like when I am in bed at night!) I am getting around better on the crutches, and my armpits are not hurting anymore. I am able to put a little bit of weight on my foot, so that helps me pivot a little better - especially in the kitchen!!

Kaden gets his cast off next Monday, the day before school is over! He is having to miss a play day and a trip to the paddling pool this week. But, such is life!!

That's all I have time for. More another day!!

Is God A Crutch?

2009-06-08T12:15:00.000-05:00

I've heard many people say that God is just a crutch. Well, since I've broken my foot, I know all about using crutches. Here are my comparisons:

1. On crutches, when you go up downhill, you put the crutch in front of you and then you go. Crutch, then hop.

People who use God as a crutch do the same thing. When things seem to be going "downhill" (going wrong) they tend to look to God for help.

2. On crutches, when you go uphill, you go first, then the crutch follows. Hop, then crutch.

People who use God as a crutch do the same thing here, too. When things are looking up (going good in their life) they tend to walk ahead and leave God behind them.

So, my conclusion? Yes, there are people who use God as a crutch. However, God wants us to live in a "do life WITH God" reality. He wants relationship. He's WITH us every step of the way, whether it be going uphill or downhill.

Are you using God as a crutch??

What does doing life WITH God mean to you??

Being Honest

2009-06-03T11:45:00.003-05:00

Well, friends, I am just going to be honest for a little bit. I'm not usually one to just blurt it all out, but I think that is what needs to be done today in order to maintain any kind of sanity...

These things are very frustrating for me:

- I can't go to a store. That means, I can't get any groceries, get gas, check or post mail, or just browse what's on sale.
- I can't stand on my leg for a period of time longer than a few minutes, my armpit hurts, as does my hands, because of the crutches.
- I can't go outside to dig up the flower bed, to play with the kids, or go for a walk.
- I can't just "pop in" to see people, because nothing gets done that quickly these days.
- I can't carry my own beverage from one room to the next unless it's in a sealed container - like a bottle of water.
- I have a short fuse because of these frustrations, and when the kids disobey, I have a hard time not yelling because I can't just jump up and go to them to make them behave.
- To go back and forth in the kitchen just getting what I need to make a meal is darn near torture.
- By the time I get in and out of the tub and get ready for work (hair, makeup), I am tired and would rather go back to bed then to sit at a desk all day.
- I can't help Kaden get in or out of school.
- I feel totally alone in this battle.

That being said, Dion is a MAJOR help (when he is not working) and so is Cailyn. Cailyn gets tired sometimes of me asking her to do things, which is understandable, so I try hard to do things on my own no matter how much it hurts. But, to sit at home all evening every evening has already become very dull. Last night I put my friends Avon orders together for her, and that was a help to both her and me. Nevertheless, I feel alone. I have a friend taking me for lunch today, so that will be good for me to get a visit in with her. It's on the inside that I feel like I am on a deserted island. I have so much going through my mind with moving and all, and I just feel like I don't have anyone to talk to about that or anything. Some friends of mine are going through their own trials right now, so I don't want to bother then with my petty stuff. I'm turning inward, and cutting people out - some by choice, and some by circumstances. I haven't been to church for 2 Sundays, so I haven't had any support from the church during that time.

I feel helpless and I feel useless. I know that if I don't get these feelings dealt with soon, I'm just going to go down further, and that is not what I want. (Susan did a post about a similar topic, if you're intereted).

There's my honesty of today. I am leaning on the promise that "This, too, shall pass!"

LOVE This!

2009-06-02T11:14:00.001-05:00

Hugs are my most favorite thing in the world!!

My Interesting Life

2009-06-01T12:14:00.002-05:00

It's been fairly quiet on the home front since the events of last week - thank God!! There was some fuss on Friday evening when a car was in our front yard driving wrecklessly (on our grass). The car smashed our well. We had to get the RCMP involved. Not a fun time.

My husband worked on both Saturday and Sunday, so I stayed at home and tried to take care of the kids. Cailyn was outside a lot, and Kaden behaved pretty well. I managed to get him bathed - which was a chore in itself - along with tidy the house a little, make a couple of meals, and wash a few dishes. Other than that, I rested. And, it was good!!

I am back to work today. Dion took Kaden to the Doctor for a follow up on his foot. He got a green cast because he wanted one like his Mommy (awww...) It's quite tiring to get up extra early so that I can bath, and get ready for work without putting to much pressure on myself to get it done quickly. It's only been a few days, but I am SO ready for it to be over! It's hard for me to sit there while Dion has to do a lot of the work. He worked at his job from 10am to 5:30pm yesterday, and then he had to go to town to get groceries and return the movies. I feel guilty that I can't do more. I do have a lot of 'down' time, which can be both good and bad. My leg needs the rest, and I am learning a lot already (been doing some Bible Study and praying!) but it's hard to know I can't do as much as I want to do. I feel like a burden - although I don't ask Dion or Cailyn to get things for me very often at all. If I can do it, I do it.

Okay, that was not supposed to sound like a pity party. Moving on!!!

I am looking for the pearls in all these situations, and, believe it or not, there are lots of them!! I am an optimistic person, so I look for the good in everything.

That's all for now. It's nearly lunch time!!

Cast Away

2009-05-28T12:54:00.002-05:00

Since writing my last post, things in my life got pretty interesting...

On Monday evening, I went outside and played softball with my husband and our 2 children. While running for the ball, I stepped in a hole and twisted my ankle. I went to the Doctor the next day, and he said it is just sprained. He advised I use crutches.

On Tuesday, our son was playing on our neighbours trampoline and bounced on his foot the wrong way. The neighbour Mom carried all 75 pounds of him to our house and up the stairs. We took him to the Doctor the next morning because he still couldn't walk on it, and it is broken. He got a nice blue cast and crutches.

When I got home from work that day (Wednesday), I received a phone call from the Doctor I saw at the Walk-In Clinic, and he said that a Radiologist looked at my x-rays and it is broken. I got a green cast this morning.

So, 2 family members with casts and crutches, in the matter of 2 days. The funny thing is, I am not even angry! In fact, I find it quite hilarious! There's not enough time in life to be any other way. In my world shit happens, but ALL IS WELL.

The Sake of the Call

2009-05-25T11:57:00.006-05:00

"Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phillippians 1:6

THAT is where I am right now. My husband and I are making some major life changes to get back to the call God placed on both of our lives. We've both put aside that call for a long time, and now that we have done what we needed to do to get back on track, we are going ahead full force.

For those of you who are pray-ers, please pray for peace that we are doing the right thing, for the right doors to open, and for wisdom that we know which ones to walk through.

That's all I can say, for now. Thank you for your prayers and love!

Steven Curtis Chapman - The Sake of the Call

2009-05-15T23:56:00.000-05:00

This has been such a strange week for me. I've discovered strength that I didn't know I had, and I learned that I can state what I feel and how I think without fear of judgememnt. And, if I am judged, then it's okay because I still have the right to be able to say what I think I should say. God, I thank You for the turn You have brought about in my life. I am so thankful that You are with me and that You teach me things. That is so awesome. Thank You for doing life with me!

I also want to thank You for showing me the course would be a good choice for me. I really want to be accepted, but I pray that Your will be done. I suddenly have an idea for my future, but I don't want it to happen if it's not Your will. I know that You are going to be with me, no matter what, I just want to make sure I am making the best choices possible.

Right now, I pray for the situation that is happening down the street where the fire trucks just got dispatched to. I pray that everyone will be okay. Bring peace and wisdom to those involved.

I pray, God, that You give me wisdom and understanding in the situations that I face on a daily basis. Help me to know what to do and say when it comes to raising my children. I want them to grow up in a home built firm upon the Master. I want them to love You with all their hearts. Help us to be good parents to them and to teach them the ways of You.

Amen

2009-05-12T00:09:00.000-05:00

Thank You for Your protection and presence over the weekend. I am so grateful for You protection as we travelled on the highway. Thank You for helping us to have a great family weekend, and that we were able to spend it together having fun and fellowshipping with friends.

God, You see my heart right now. I am torn about M&S and what to do about my relationship with them. I don't want to be in the middle, hearing the "story" from two sides, and I'm not even involved in it! I feel like I can't keep the peace if they are involved in my life as much as they have been. I need to let go and continue on like I have in the past few days. God, I don't want to be in the place I was with them even last week.

Lord, I am SO tired. Help me to have a good sleep. Help the kids to have good sleep. Wake us up tomorrow geeling rejuvinated and refreshed and ready to do life with You.

Help me, God, to always put You first.

Amen.

Bipolar No More

2009-05-11T23:36:00.003-05:00

I am still finding it really strange to have lived as a person with bipolar for 1 year, and then be told that I'm not really bipolar at all...

For one whole year, I told myself, and treated myself, as a bipolar person. I always had doubts in the back of my head about the diagnosis (since I never had a real manic episode) yet I "convinced" myself that's what I was.

For me, the problems were not caused by any chemical imbalances - it was purely life related. I had so much stress in my life that the behavior of "hiding and exploding" was all I knew how to do to cope. Once I dealt with a lot of the compressed anger I had in my life, and as I learned tools to help me cope in an anger/stressful situation, then I was able to go off the medication. The meds DID help me; I felt balanced and stable on them. Then again, that could have been me telling myself the pills were helping. Yet, on some level, they gave me what I needed to get on track, assess my situation, and eventually leave a dysfunctional marriage so we could both get the help we needed. Once I started to deal with stuff, I knew the meds had to go.

It's now been over 4 months since I stopped the antidepressant and the mood stabilizer, and I have not had any serious episodes. Thanks be to God!

My conclusion? Before my Dr. and P.Dr. medicated me, I think it would have been MUCH better option to give me tools to deal with life/stress, especially since they couldn't make a clear, definate diagnois about me being bipolar. Thanks to unnecessary medication, I still carry around 50 pounds of weight that I didn't have this time last year. THAT IRKS ME!

I know that every case is different, so why would Drs treat them all the same? Roller coaster mood = bipolar, so here's some meds! I think a referral to a Psychologist would have been more helpful!

An almost-Psychologist told me last week that he firmly believes that I am not, and never was, bipolar. And, I would have to agree. He did, however, tell me that I have Mental Disorder. I had one part of my brain telling me one thing, and another part telling me something else, and they were trying to mesh - causing mental disorder. That makes sense! I had gone for so long pleasing people and doing what they thought I should, that I wasn't following my own convictions, or what I believed in, and that was messing me up! I think a lot of people have that!

One of the pearls in all of this is that I really got to get an understanding of, and a compassion for, those who do suffer from a mental illness. That is something I wouldn't trade for anything - not even a quick way to lose 50 pounds.

So, that's where I'm at in the "mental" area of my life. I've been working on getting all that sorted out and trying to figure out who Paula Joy is. The only person who has the authority to tell me who I am is God - and He says I am fearfully and wonderfully made in His image. Like Popeye says, "I am what I am, and that's what I am."

Talking to God

2009-05-11T14:38:00.000-05:00

This is a post that I wrote on a joint blog back in June 2007. I didn't know I knew this much back then! But, that's the thing - I knew it in my HEAD but I didn't know it in my HEART. That pathway is just opening up for me! Anyway, this post is pretty much exactly what I would say now, so that is why I share it:

Throughout all my life, I have had a hard, very hard, time "talking" to people about things. I am VERY much a feeling person, and to not be able to share those feelings is very hard on me. I have come to a conclusion that, for me, a good friend is someone who encourages me to talk about my feelings. I understand that not everyone is like that. This is one of the things about myself that I am learning to accept. Not everyone is like me, but we are all unique and equal in God's eyes. How wonderful that is!

I started doing something. When I feel like I need to talk, I do. I don't have a person in my life that I can talk to, so I talk OUT LOUD to God, as though He's sitting next to me. There's something about getting it out in the open. Verbally let it out. I usually wait until things are so hard that I can't take it anymore. However, I am learning that if I talk to Him on a regular basis, things don't pile up inside and I ultimately feel better about myself and about life in general.

God cares so much about each of us. All He wants is to be included in our day and our lives. Going to church every Sunday doesn't give you a personal relationship with God. That just makes God an aquaintance. I have enough aquaintances in this life; I need personal friendships/relationships. That is what God wants from each of us, His children. He longs for us to call upon our Daddy and tell Him what's going on and how we are feeling. He is as close as the mention of His Name.

Don't doubt His availability; His line is open 24/7.

Have you talked, out loud, to God recently?

Paula Turns Thirty

2009-05-08T11:49:00.006-05:00

Hey friends!

Today is a big day for me - I am officially starting a new chapter in my life called the THIRTIES!! I may sound like I am excited about this, but I am actually a little freaked out! I have officially been with my husband for 1/3 of my life!

Nevertheless, it is the start of something new, and I am going to enjoy it!! I have been celebrating all week! Wednesday and Thursday I had lunch with friends, last night I had a date with my daughter, today one of my very good friends is coming in from out of town to take me for lunch, and I am going to make chicken for supper and have a few relatives over!

This is me on the first day of being 30:

Go to God First

2009-05-06T11:28:00.000-05:00

I am quite amazed at how so many people turn to people and things before they turn to God. I include myself in that "people" category.

A friend of mine wrote that she is having a crappy day and just feeling terrible. I know that we all have those days, which got me thinking about why we think we need to punish ourself by letting the worries and stresses of life overtake us and steal us of our joy.

My comment to her was in the shape of a DARE. I dared her to go sit in God's presence for 5 minutes. I surprised myself with that advice, actually. When I feel discouraged or upset, it's not often that my first stop is God's Presence. For me, it's food, or blogging, or emailing, or calling up a friend. If we can train ourselves to "Seek FIRST His Kingdom" then we know that "All these things (like peace, joy and comfort) will be added to us." God doesn't want you to be hurting - He wants to do life with you! When we put our relationship with God (eternal life) first, then He will naturally provide the rest for us. Jesus says in Matthew 6:25,26:

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not LIFE more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"

What is this verse telling us? It says that when we concentrate on LIFE (which is the eternal), our relationship with our Father, then He WILL take care of and provide for our physical needs. We are more valuable than the animals - and God provides for them - HOW MUCH MORE does He want to do for us, WHEN WE ASK HIM??!!

Here's my challenge to you for the next week. I challenge you to take FIVE minutes at the first sign of trouble and spend it in the presence of God. Focus on Him for that time. Talk to Him. Tell Him why you are feeling stressed or down or whatever your feelings are at that time. LET HIM COMFORT YOU. Before you know it, that will be your natural response - to go to God first. I know that it will make a HUGE difference in your life - and mine!

2009-05-05T17:36:00.000-05:00

Thank You, God, for what you revealed to me today. You are so faithful in meeting me exactly where I am.

I have gone through so much of my life accepting my worth and value as what others say about me. That is not the truth at all. I've accepted that I'm only good to meet the needs of men, because that's how I get the love, attention and affection that I crave. The truth is that You are the one who defines me. You tell me in Your Word WHO I am. I AM WHO YOU SAY I AM.

Reveal to me who You say I am. I am asking that You fill the void in my heart for words and love from a man/father. You are my Father. I will listen to You.

Amen.

Arms of God

2009-05-05T14:23:00.005-05:00

I cry every time I see this picture. I long to be in the arms of God. Can you imagine how great of a hug He gives? I get goosebumps and tears just thinking about it.

The Bible says that we are to show God's love to others, and, really, be Jesus wtih skin on. Who can you share God's love with by giving a simple hug? Or, maybe you need to feel God in a tangible way. When you get your next hug, imagine it is God Himself with His arms wrapped around you. He cares about you THAT MUCH.

2009-05-04T17:50:00.000-05:00

I am feeling really out of sorts today. I am not sure what the root cause of these feelings are about. I feel an underlying tone of helplessness or hopelessness, or something of that nature. God, I need to feel You today. Let me sense Your arms of love around me. I want to do life with You.

I am so grateful for all that You've been teaching me lately. It is sometimes overwhelming to me that I've learned so much in such a short amount of time.

God, I need Your help in determining the type of relationship I should have with M&S. I know the kind that I would like, but I don't want to please myself, I want to please You. And, if having a close friendship with them like I have now and that I want is not the best plan for me, then help me to release and let go as much as I need to. You know how much I love them and how much they've helped me in the past few months. Is my "close" time with them over? Am I using them as a default instead of going to You first? If I am relying on them too much, I repent and I ask for Your forgiveness. I also ask that You help me to change my thinking in regards to them.

"Show me Your ways, that I may walk with You." I need You today more than ever.

Amen.

Sorry

2009-05-04T14:10:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure who even comes around anymore to check out my site. I haven't been around much myself, and I have been failing miserably when it comes to check up on my blog friends.

I'm sorry.

Friendship with God

2009-04-23T00:06:00.000-05:00

How many of you have ever been in a friendship or relationship where you feel like you are putting more into it than the other person? Have you ever felt like you give and give and give only to get nothing in return? Have you ever felt like you are the one calling the other person all the time? How about feeling like you are the one that is trying to make plans to get together, and that the other person isn't really into it?

I do. So does God.

As I was driving home from a ladies group last night, I was thinking about how I sometimes put God to the side and go about things on my own. I thought, there God is, waiting patiently for me to acknowledge Him. He continues to walk by my side, protecting me, taking care of me, and giving me the best... And I sit by trying to do it all on my own - ignoring His attentiveness and availability. He has given the ultimate sacrifice - Jesus - and I don't show my thankfulness in the way He deserves. He is working hard in my life all the time, and I often don't acknowledge Him or His "working" in our relationship.

God feels the way we do when our friends don't show equal effort with us. All God wants is a relationship, and to "do life with" us. He gave us creation as a gift for us to enjoy. As one song says, "You paint the sky for ME to see." He made the world for you and me - a gift to us. He sacrificed His only Son to die for you and me, yet so many people will never acknowledge the price He paid. He gives and gives and gives to each one of us, yet we so often fail to recognize and appreciate His work in our lives.

When I think about how hurt I feel when a friend doesn't return the efforts I put into the relationship, and when I realize I make God feel that way - it really hurts. God has done SO MUCH for us, yet we so often fail at contributing to the relationship.

The cure? Continual prayer - always keeping yourself in His presence.

How are you going to thank God today? What are you going to do to contribute to your relationship with Him? Focus on Eternal Life.

New Adventure

2009-04-22T23:30:00.004-05:00

I've started a new blog called "Bible Treasures for Life". In it I will share my journey in my relationship with God.

Today's post is about Friendship. Go ahead, check it out!

:)

Playing with Picasa

2009-04-22T12:31:00.000-05:00

Eternal Life

2009-04-16T20:24:00.000-05:00

I’ve spent almost 30 years of my life thinking that Eternal Life begins after we die. That is not true at all!! John 17:3 says, “Now this is eternal life: that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom You have sent."

Due to a recent conversation, I now understand what eternal life is. I thought that eternal life started once we die, but that is not the case. Eternal life begins the moment we accept Christ. John 5:24 "I tell you the truth, whoever hears My word and believes Him who sent Me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life." This says he HAS crossed, not he WILL cross. So, what is it that we have right now with God that is going to last forever? A relationship. Eternal life is the relationship with have with God the Father and Son when we accept Jesus.

As I was thinking about this, I imagined eternal life as life that is running parallel to my mortal life - my body. My relationship with God is going to last forever, but my physical body will not. Body is temporary, Relationship is forever.

Time after time, Jesus told people to give up pleasing their body (Matt. 18, 8 & 9) and to get rid of things that makes the physical life more important than having a relationship with Him (eg. the rich young ruler in Matt 19).

The bodily, temporary life is not what will last. The eternal life that is running parallel to the temporary is what's most important. It's that life that will continue from this earth into Heaven. We are already living with eternal life.

When I realized that the only difference between earth and heaven is actually seeing Him face to face, and that I'll have a different bodily form, that changed my prayer life. I am already doing life with God. I am living on the faith that what He said is true. So, why would I talk to Him like He's "out there somewhere" when I am already in communion with Him? He's already right here with me!

So, concentrate on the eternal life - your current relationship with God.

There's lots more to come on this topic!!

Where I'm At

2009-04-16T19:06:00.004-05:00

Okay, I need to blog something. You're probably all thinking I've fallen off the face of the earth! Well, I am still here, dealing with the circumstances that come with a new job and a new church.

For some reason, my creativity level has neared zero. I am finding it very difficult to write - I have no idea where my passion has disappeared to.

I really do want to write and tell you all about how things are going; I just can't find the words or the strength to let it all out.

I haven't been reading your blogs lately, either. I wish I had the motivation, but I just don't.

I have no idea what is going on in my life or how long it's going to take to get back to my normal self. I am NOT depressed. I am NOT manic. I am just at a place of newness, and that brings some uncertainty. I just need to keep pressing on until this new life starts to make some kind of sense.

Thank you to those who have emailed and asked me how I am. I greatly appreciate it.

Thanks to all for your patience with me as I figure things out.

New Normal

2009-03-31T19:19:00.002-05:00

Sorry, again, that I haven't been blogging lately. There's just so much going on; so many changes. I haven't been feeling up to blogging, to tell you the truth.

I have been learning a lot - so much that I feel kinda messed up.

Today was my last day at the church. That church has defined who I am for so long that I now feel lost without it. I no longer know who I am.

I wonder how long it will take to get used to this "New Normal"?

New Favorite!

2009-03-28T13:02:00.004-05:00

That is my new favorite thing!!

The square on the left is sad until her friend comes over and gives her a hug. I LOVE IT!! THAT is what my life is all about.

So, here's my virtual hug to all my fellow bloggers.

Your challenge? Share the love!

Church - Work or Ministry?

2009-03-25T17:52:00.003-05:00

I need to start this post with an apology...

I am sorry that I haven't been writing much lately and that I haven't told you much about my new job. The truth is, I just don't feel like I have the freedom to do that right now. The changes that are happening in my life are affecting more aspects of my life that I thought they would.

I worked at my new job all day Monday, then for the rest of the week I'll be at the church 9-1, then the new job 1-3. It's kinda weird to switch gears on a dime, but it's also pretty cool.

I am just finding myself to be sad this week. I guess there's some grieving that I'm going through as I leave a place I've been a part of, and friends I've had, for 7 years. It is actually 7 years ago this month that we moved here. So much has happened in those 7 years. I've grown SO much. I've learned so much. I've loved so much. Now I feel like I am leaving it all behind.

Over the past few years, church has become more of a "job" to me than a "ministry". Now that I am only a few days to leaving my church position, I am realizing how much I missed out on by thinking of church as "work". A lot of what I did there wasn't genuine worship, and I repent of that. God is shifting my focus, and He's revealing to me what church really is. I've forgotten that church is the safe haven I have had countless encounters with God as I was growing up. Church became a building to me. Church = Work.

On Monday, my first full day at my new job, I left at noon to go for lunch. I couldn't think of anywhere else I'd rather be than in God's House. I went to the church. I needed familiarity, plus, God was beginning to show me what I had done to the place I loved going as I was growing up to the place I went to on a Sunday morning to be bombarded with people asking me to do things - work. I failed to see helping people with their needs as "ministry" anymore, and it all became "work".

This is really a huge lesson for me. I don't have it all down pat yet, by any means, but I am thankful that God is showing me, and teaching me things.

As incredibly sad as I am right now, I have joy on the inside because I know God is with me every step of the way and that things are going to be okay.

Master of the Wind

2009-03-24T12:35:00.003-05:00

1. My boat of life sails on a troubled sea
Whenever there's a wind in my sail.
But I have a friend who watches over me
When the breeze turns into a gale.

I know the Master of the wind.
I know the Maker of the rain.
He can calm a storm, make the sun shine again.
I know the Master of the wind.

2. Sometimes I soar like an eagle through the sky
Above the peaks my soul can be found.
An unexpected storm may drive me from the heights
Brings me low, but never brings me down.

I know the Master of the wind.
I know the Maker of the rain.
He can calm a storm, make the sun shine again.
I know the Master of the wind.

Job Situation

2009-03-18T18:32:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I reached the end. I thought that I was NEVER going to find a new job, and I was straight with God about how I was feeling...

This morning at work, I got a phone call. I knew the lady and she said, "Do you know of anyone looking for a job?" She said it's an Administrative/Assistant position. I said, "Me!!"

So, after I was done work, I went over to her office and "checked it out". Once I reminded her how great my bulletins are, she said, "You're hired!"

I start tomorrow. We are going to buy me a new computer for the front office space where I'll be.

Monday will be my first full day, and I am stoked!!!

How great God is.

Oldie But Goodie

2009-03-17T12:08:00.003-05:00

I was listening to our local Christian Radio Station the other day, and this song came on that I haven't heard in YEARS by Dallas Holm:

"All that matters in this life below,
is not what you are, or how much you know.

All the world's knowledge can make the mind smart,
but the difference is made in the heart."

"Made in the heart." I am thinking that the writer was talking about love when he wrote this line. It's all about love.

My Few Minutes in Court

2009-03-16T15:52:00.004-05:00

I had my Court appearence this morning for the ticket I got a few weeks ago for failing to stop at a stop sign. I've never been to Court before, so I took my friend along for moral support.

When my name was called, I said I pleaded guilty. Then, the Judge asked me if there was anything else I'd like to say. I asked if I could see the video the Officer said was available. The Judge looked at me like I had 10 heads. She said, "You already pleaded guilty." Well, that was true, so I told her I was just wondering if I was allowed to see it. She told me I could talk to the lady at the front after the hearing to see if that would be possible. I didn't. Whatever. The guilty plea is in and I am set up to do Fine Option.

Two things bothered me;

1. The Judge treated me like I was stupid because I asked a simple question. (How do I know protocol? I've never been to Court before!!)

2. Young people who got tickets for DUI or in pocession of alcohol were fined between $120.00 and $199.00. My fine, for failing to stop at a stop sign, was $230.00. What kind of justice is that?? Who would be the bigger threat? I just don't see the fairness in that - ecpecially since this is my first offence. There were guys in there with 3 tickets from 3 different times.

There's my "Day in Court"!!!

More Transference

2009-03-11T22:13:00.002-05:00

The other day I told you about my Pastor back home telling me that he would choose me for a daughter if he was meant to have another one. Today I realized that him thinking that made me angry. Here's why...

I grew up in a home without a dad. My biological father rejected me from the moment he found out I had been conceived - he told my mom to have an abortion. Because of that, my view of a father has been completely warped. Although I didn't realize it, the moment he told me that I am like his daugther, my mind began to think that if I'm like his daugther, then he is like my father. Once that realization came to the surface, I got angry. Then, I got angry at him. Then, I wanted him to get angry at me and say something or do something that would hurt me - because that is what I know. I figured it was just a matter of time before he would get mad at me, so I wanted to do it first so that I wouldn't be hurt. The truth is, LOVE DOES NOT HURT. I was taking the bad that was presented to me before I was born, and putting on him, and that is not fair - or loving.

I was feeling convicted of this transference all morning, and I knew that I would bot get any peace until I talked to Pastor Mark about it. Well, his response BLEW ME OUT OF THE WATER.

We talked so much about the love, the genuine, authentic love of God, and what that looks like. Pastor Mark is the first man to ever show me REAL love - the love of God.

I was pretty emotional during the conversation as I realized that I've gone through 30 years of my life without having any idea of what real love is. The things that stuck out to me the most are:

1. Love is kind - it gives without expecting anything in return. It gives. Period.

2. Love is about the person, not what that person can do for you, or how they look, or something they've done, or because you have to. Love loves the person, if for no other reason then the fact that they are God's child. THAT MEANS, QUIT TRYING SO HARD!!! There's nothing that you can do or not do that will make God love you more or less. He loves you just the way you are, because He created you. That is the way we are to love others.

I listened to some great sermons on the net today from www.lifechurch.tv . One of them was about letting go of shame. It touched a deep part of my being, and it was convicting me of things that I need to let go of - things that I feel shame about.

When I was at church tonight picking up my kids, I saw a friend that I haven't seen in a while. We hugged. It was just SO good to hold her for a moment. I told her I really miss her. I couldn't hug her long because I felt like I would cry - that's the kind of day it's been - one where God has been teaching me ALL DAY!!

Transference

2009-03-09T17:08:00.003-05:00

God revealed a sin to me after I wrote my last post. As I was driving to town to pick up Cailyn, I was thinking about what I wrote last:

I am dependent. I don't know when I became that way, but for as long as I can remember, I have been dependent on someone. I always have to make sure that what I am doing is okay - according to someone I depend on. I have always needed assurance from others.

When I left here in November, I left a dependent friendship. While I was away, I was growing, and becoming okay with me and the choices I make. I was confident in myself and what God was doing in and through me. That's how I was when I got back, too. I was in a good place, a really good place. Then, the dependency started to creep in again. But, I had transferred it on to my next "victim". Not really, but I did start to depend on a person more than God. I wanted to call this friend before talking to God. I wanted my friend to give me the answers instead of asking God and letting Him talk to me. THAT, is sin. And, for that, I repent.

That is why I need to make some serious changes in that particular friendship. It is too easy to go to someone who is here and that I can hear and will have conversation with me NOW. It is so much easier for someone to tell me what to do then to wait upon God and get the right answer. I rely on the opinion of others too much and I miss out on what God wants to say to me or wants me to do. I have seen it happen in my life over and over again where I say or do what someone else thinks I should and it ends up being the wrong thing.

So, as much as it hurts to back away from this friendship, I need to do it before it comes between me and God any more than it already is.

Yesterday & Today

2009-03-09T13:12:00.011-05:00

Brrr. It is cold!! I am SO ready for it to warm up and stay warm!!!

A couple of years ago, I emailed a friend of mine and said that I was "an up and coming piano player." Since that time, I have played for myself as I led worship, but it wasn't until yesterday that I played the keyboard for someone else to lead!! It was my first time playing at our new church. I know that I am far from professional, but I do play with my whole heart in to it. We had FUN yesterday. It was nice to just be able to play, and to fill in some harmony when I wanted. There was also a drummer, a guitarist, and back up singers. It was really great.

After the service, I had a gentleman from the church come up to me and say, "It is so great to have someone playing the keyboard. You are an answer to prayer for this church." I replied, "I needed to hear that." To hear that I am an answer to someone's prayer put a different perspective on my reasons for playing. It adds perspective to my life. Confirmation is a good thing.

Does this mean I found it emotionally easy to be doing it? No, not really. What I do know is that Dion is excited to be going to church, and about me being involved there. He was even asked to help take the offering. So, really, Dion and I served TOGETHER yesterday, and that is awesome. He was asked to sing a special sometime in the next couple of weeks, and he is excited about doing that.

On a completely different note...

TODAY, I am taking steps out on my own. I have become too dependent on another human being, and I need to stop. I need to be dependent on God and to go to Him when I need strength, encouragement and clarification. It's me and God.

I guess I am feeling kind of alone today, as I think about the relationship I have to give up. It is becoming unhealthy and I need to nip it in the bud before it gets worse.

I let what people say affect me WAY too much. What a friend says, or don't say, can either make or break my day. I needn't be so sensitive! I know when I've crossed the 'line' and then I punish myself for it for a long time. I know it's stupid, and when I am punishing myself, I don't talk to the person and I don't apologize. That sure comes from Mark Hall's 4 ways to kill a friendship! It's is definitely something I need to work on.

God, I need You now more than ever.

Him

2009-03-07T16:59:00.002-06:00

How is it possible for someone who knows so much about me, to love me anyway? How can it be that someone who knows my past, my feelings and my fears, still want to pour themself into me? How is it possible for someone to be SUCH a reflection of Jesus Christ? I see him as Jesus with skin on. His love and attitude is something that I have never seen in anyone else.

God, I pray that You bless him and his family.

Being Blog Unipolar

2009-03-07T16:29:00.004-06:00

In case you are wondering, I no longer have my other four blogs. I figure it's time to give up being quint-polar!!! :) I used the others to write about certain things, depending on the mood I was in. Well, no more. THIS is me. I have imported my other blogs into this one, so I haven't lost any posts, and I will just write here - whatever the subject.

Just so you know!

Seperation Intended for Good

2009-03-06T17:33:00.003-06:00

I want to be honest with you for a few minutes.

When I left Dion back in November, I saw NO hope for us. I was at MY rock bottom. I could not picture myself in Dion's arms ever again. I had been hurt too much. I seriously thought that was the end of our marriage. That's what happens when we have no hope.

When I began receiving counselling from Pastor Mark, I began to see a spark of hope. When he gave me the "Forever Love" phrases, that spark began to ignite. As time went on, a small fire began to grow. When he came to my parents place at Christmas, I wasn't sure how I was going to act, or react. I was happy to see him, yet scared to see him. I mean, we had talked a lot on the phone and I knew that he had changed a lot, but all I could remember was how I felt when I was with him - and I didn't like that feeling. So, the evening came when he arrived on the bus. We all hugged, and he did look incredibly cute. As the days went on, and I got more counselling and he got couselling, the little fire began to grow. We began to talk. Really talk. That was something neither of us did well, but it was something we learned how to do (and are still learning how to do!). I must admit that I was nervous about returning home with him. The feelings I had when I left our house were not exactly ones of love and joy. That car ride home, although a scary, was also the best car ride our family has ever taken together. It was peaceful the whole way.

It has now been just over 2 months since we've been home. With each passing day our love grows more and more. The fire gets bigger and bigger. Instead of me being happy when Dion is gone, I miss him as soon as he leaves. I look and him and all I can feel is love. I didn't even love him this much on our wedding day.

Because of God's love for us, we now have a relationship like I never thought was possible. Yes, it can be difficult sometimes taking on the submissive role of a wife (which I totally didn't do before) but it is completely worth it. Why? Because everyday our relationship grows more as we submit to each other, and as we talk to each other and work things out. We are even having fun together! We've gotten in the habit of playing UNO before we go to sleep. Last night when we played, we laughed so much! And, to see Dion laugh is something that I treasure. He went for a long time being unhappy, and now to see joy return to his life makes me happy.

Genesis 50:20 - "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."

Here Joseph is talking to his brothers about what they had done to him (throwing him in the well and then selling him into slavery). Although they intended to harm Joseph, God's plan was at work.

This is how I feel about mine and Dion's sepertion. The devil was happy that our marriage was going downhill. He was happy that we seperated. BUT GOD had a bigger plan. He put a PURPOSE in it all. God made good come from the bad, and what He is accomplishing now in our lives is beyond my comprehension. The verse says, "the saving of many lives." I believe that God is going to do the same thing with us. Because Dion and I went through what we did, I know that we are going to be able to help a lot of couples who are going through similar situations. I know that, through us, God will save people's marriages.

I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT WHAT IS TO COME!!!

Chosen

2009-03-05T19:02:00.003-06:00

Yesterday was a VERY interesting day for me - I felt, all day, like I was smack dab in the center of where God wanted me to be. That was great feeling.

I got Cailyn to school ON TIME, so really my day started out with a miracle. :) After getting a Tim's coffee and being at work for a couple of hours, a young relative of ours started a Facebook conversation with me. He said he was wanting to end it all. He does not live in our town, but he "happened" to be there at that time. (I don't believe that ANYTHING just "happens". God was at work.)

I went down to where he was, and he got in the car. We talked and cried, and then went for lunch. He is a drinker and has been doing weed for 8 years. I talked to him about Teen Challenge which I think would be a wonderful solution for him, and a great intervention in his life at this point.

I didn't want to bring him back to the "party house" I picked him up from, so I said he could come out to the house for the night. Dion took him to a hockey game in the evening while I took the kids to Kid's Zone. (More about that in a moment).

When they got home, we had a chance to talk a little more. He needed to make a decision about where he was going. He chose to go home. I was saddened by his choice, but had to keep telling myself that it is HIS choice. Since he wanted to go home, we wanted to make sure he got there safely so we told him we'd buy his bus ticket. After we said a prayer with him, we were off to bed.

As Dion and I were talking in bed, I felt so grown up. I had someone in the house that we were helping. I was helping someone. And, I LOVED IT.

Today, Dion cooked him breakfast and later took him for coffee before the bus left. I met them at the station. I told him that I arranged for a Pastor friend of his to pick him up from the station to bring him home once he reached his destination. Finding that ride for him was totally of God. AND, Teen Challenge is going to be at the church across from where he lives THIS Sunday - also the church where this Pastor works. I believe now more than ever that GOD IS ALWAYS AT WORK. It totally astounds me.

As I was getting ready for work this morning, I heard God whisper to me "Give him your mp3 player." I thought, "No, NOT my mp3! I love that thing!" As I was driving toward the bus station, I heard God's voice again and I knew I had to obey. So, I gave him my mp3 player. I prayed as I did that God would use the songs on there to bring him both conviction and love. I know God works through music, and I pray it will touch his life, too. I also know that God is going to work in his life, and that I can't force him to do what he doesn't want to do. He knows that Dion and I are here for him, and that all he needs to do is call and we'll help him get into a program. He knows we are praying for him. I hope that's enough.

Back to last night... As I was driving the kids in for their program, I called a friend of mine wondering if she wanted to go for coffee. Turns out she was picking up Dion's aunt to go to Bible Study at a local church. Since I wasn't sure what I was going to do, I decided to attend the study with them. When I got there, I was asked to lead a couple of songs on the piano. Not only did I do that, I was able to share the song that I wrote.

After those songs, the Pastor started his lesson on God speaking to us. That was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. It was dead-on for where I am right now. And, I used that when I heard Him telling me to give away my mp3 this morning. I love when I hear God speak and am excited to obey.

I was talking to my Pastor back home yesterday to get some advice on what was the best thing to do for our relative. At the end of our conversation, he said, "Are you sitting down?" I replied, "No, I am laying down." He said, "That's probably better... I have something to tell you... If it was meant for me to have another daughter, I'd pick you." OH MY GOODNESS!! My own father didn't want me, and here is someone that I only met in Novemeber that would CHOOSE me to be his daughter. That completely blew me away.

As I thought about that, I thought about God and how He CHOOSES us. He LONGS for a relationship with us. He thinks we are wonderful - because we are His creation. The sad thing is, there are many, many people who choose NOT to accept the help and love God has freely bestowed to us. Just like our relative wouldn't accept our offer to help him get into a program, there are people all the time rejecting God. I know how it was for me to let him go, and I can't imagine how difficult it must be for God to "let" the ones He created and loved walk away from Him. Yesterday, I understood God in a way I never have before. It was the most incredible day I've had for a long time.

I can't imagine my life without God.

Job Follow Up

2009-03-03T13:02:00.003-06:00

The lady phoned me back this morning to come in for part 2 of the interview process - a typing test. I said to her, "I don't want it." It was both freeing and frightening. To pass up something and leave all faith in God that He is going to supply the right job for me is scary. But, for too long I lived in fear - now I chose to live in faith.

With faith comes excitement!! I am excited about what God is going to do in my life! I am excited about the place He will take me!

Now I wonder... WHAT IS GOD UP TO???

I WILL stick around to find out!

Job Interview

2009-03-02T21:32:00.002-06:00

I went for a job interview today. I was really excited about the possibility of this new career choice, and even practiced my typing skills for it.

The interview consisted of 26 questions, then 3 scenrio-type questions. I think I did really well on it.

As I was leaving the building, the only thing I could think was, "I don't want it."

That is not where I am supposed to be. That job does not fit in with the vision of my future.

It's too bad because I know I would have done well at it. But, I don't want to do something for the wrong reasons and end up hating it or it doing more harm than good.

I know that God has the right position out there for me, and that isn't it.

Until then, I continue to walk by faith.

Random-ness

2009-02-25T16:41:00.002-06:00

I really should blog more - even if it's just the random, floating thoughts I have going through my head.

Here's some of today's randomness:

1. Last night was really hard on me - harder than I thought. I used to lead worship for the ladies group at Crossroads. I did that for 2 years. Last night I went to the ladies group at the church we just started attending, and I did a few songs there, with a group of ladies that haven't yet become "my peeps". I found it tough.

2. Another church wants me to play for their Sunday evening Coffee House on a regular basis. I m very much unsure of what to do in this situation. I know they need a worship person and that they appreciate me leading. I know that me using my abilities is a good thing. However, I also know that if I go to their service on a regular basis that I'll be "a part" of that church. I am all for Kingdom, but where do I draw the line of doing it because I have the ability to do it and where I feel led to do it? AND, what are my reasons for doing it? To please people or to please God???

3. I feel very much alone. I am floating between 3 different churches, and I don't feel like I am a part of either of them. This is a hard place for me because I am such a relationship person. My Crossroads Conntections are slowly declining, and my North Harvest ones are on an incline, and I've had a fling with another church on the side. I must say that I've met a lot of people in a short amount of time. And, it's nice to re-ignite former friendships. But, everyone is my life is just SO different right now that I don't know what I should be doing.

4. I have no idea where my loyalties lie at this point in time. Other than having God #1 and Dion #2, I'm not sure about much else.

5. I have never been so comfortable with my fatness. I know that I need to lose weight, but I am far from obsessed with it. I am actually happy with who I am. I mean, of course I want to be skinny, but, for right now, physical stuff is just so far down my list of things that really matter, that I am happy with myself.

6. I am concentrating on what is on the inside. I am learning so much that it's almost unfathomable. I LONG for more.

7. I have never been as in love with Dion as I am now. Separating was the best thing we could have done for our marriage because it gave us each time to assess where we are and time to let God get a hold of our lives. Dion and I actually talk now. Like, TALK. I miss him when he's gone, and I love it when we are together.

8. My kids are growing up so fast and are developing and maturing so much every day. They are getting more and more independant. In some ways I am happy about that, and it other ways I can't believe they are able to do so much for themselves. It it sometimes so quiet here as they do their own thing, that I wish I had a baby just to keep me on my toes and for some noise in the house.

9. I have an interview next week for a job I applied for. It makes me apprehensive as I think about all the changes that are taking place. Getting another job means leaving Crossroads, and I know I am not ready for that.

10. I did about 25 questions regarding vision this week. Vision is suddenly in everything I do. I eat, sleep and think vision. I can see the tree at the end of the field with the bulbs hanging on there that represent all the things I want to do in my life. I am walking, very slowly, towards that tree, and I just want to know what I can start doing to get there. I know what I want, now it's just a matter of a lot of prayer and God's leading as I am on this journey. I am excited about what God is doing, and is going to do, in my life as long as I present myself to Him as AVAILABLE.

Psychiatrist Appointment

2009-02-24T17:00:00.003-06:00

I went to my Psychiatrist today. She said I am done!! I don't need to see her anymore unless I have a relapse. She said I can call her anytime. Cool.

I was talking to her about church and ministry and that I believe God healed me, and she told me that her husband is a pastor and is involved in ministry! I thought that was pretty cool. Suddenly she was able to talk to me from a faith side and a psychiatric side. Those few minutes contained the best conversation I've ever had with her. What a great wat to spend my last session.

Very cool.

Another Favorite

2009-02-21T12:14:00.002-06:00

Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly) by Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...To...(

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving into something Heavenly

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out

**Look it up on youtube so you can hear the song. It's amazing and it so relevent to my life right now.***

Psalm 23

2009-02-21T00:29:00.001-06:00

I got these emailed to me from Mikey's Funnies today, and I wanted to share it with you.

23RD PSALM FOR THE WORKPLACE

The Lord is my real boss and I shall not want.
He gives me peace, when chaos is all around me.
He gently reminds me to pray before I speak and to do all things without murmuring and complaining.
He reminds me that He is my Source and not my job.
He restores my sanity every day and guides my decisions that I might honor Him in everything I do.

Even though I face absurd amounts of emails, system crashes, unrealistic deadlines, budget cutbacks, gossiping co-workers, discriminating supervisors, and an aging body that doesn't cooperate every morning, I will not stop--for He is with me!

His presence, His peace, and His power will see me through.
He raises me up, even when they fail to promote me.
He claims me as His own, even when the company threatens to let me go.

His faithfulness and love are better than any bonus check.
His retirement plan beats every 401K there is.
When it's all said and done, I'll be working for Him a whole lot longer and for that, I bless His Name.

Two Great Songs

2009-02-17T10:46:00.004-06:00

I've been blessed by the music of Matthew West. His songs are amazing, and his voice is distinct. The first video is his song, The Motions, and it shows the surgery he had on his vocal chords, and how he came through, thanks to God. The song is also about not doing thingd just for the sake of doing them. The words of the song are powerful.

Only Grace is an amazing song of forgiveness, and it has been a blessing to me for a long time.

Watch, enjoy, and let God speak to you.

The Motions - Matthew West

Only Grace - Matthew West

Day Eight

2009-02-13T18:51:00.000-06:00

Today I did the one thing that I promised myself I wouldn't do...

When I was done work at 1:30, I stayed to do more work. I made a new template for the bulletin with a different program than what I had been using. And, with anything that's new, it takes some getting used to. The printer had to be set up for the program, and I learned how to navigate around there pretty good. And, I think the bulletin turned out great! The format is the same as I had before, which I think works the best, but I switched up the fonts just so it looked a little different.

I didn't leave work until 5:30pm. That's four hours more than I am scheduled for. Double my hours, actually.

Such is life!!! And, I had AWESOME helpers - Cailyn helped with the mail, and Kaden helped put the insert in the bulletin! I have such great kids!!!

Next week... taking my onethirtytothree time off because my kiddies are out of school for the week! Yay!!!

A Different Path

2009-02-12T17:49:00.000-06:00

A Pastor from another church made me an offer yesterday. The church had a couple coming to do Administration, Young Adults, and Music. Well, they cancelled. This Pastor called me wondering if I would be interested in those ministries and to send him my resume if I was. I told him that those three things are a part of my visions. Then, I told him about Living Room (which I am very interested in starting one in my town) and he thought that was wonderful. They have some bipolar/depression struck people that attend that church – so he jumped right on the Living Room bandwagon!!

I thought to myself – “This is my dream job! I get to do everything I want! This happened so fast!” Hm…

I knew there was on hurdle that would need to be addressed before getting too excited – attending that church. Dion has already made it clear that he wants to attend North Harvest. So, there goes my dream…

I was reading in Exodus where the Israelites were being led away from Pharoah and into the Promised Land. Exodus 13:7 reads – “God did not lead them along the main road that runs through Philistine territory, even though that road was the shortest route to the Promised Land.” The study note at the bottom reads – “God doesn’t always work in the way that seems best to us… If God does not lead you along the shortest path to your goal, don’t complain or resist. Follow Him willingly and trust Him to lead you safely around unseen obstacles. He can see the end of your journey from the beginning, and He knows the safest and the best route.” (The Life Application Study Bible, NLT)

God knows what He’s doing. If that church doesn’t work out, He will help me see my vision begin to work out in another way. Why? Because He’s my God and He wants the best for me.

Day Seven

2009-02-12T17:05:00.000-06:00

Today after work, I met a handsome guy with a cart - There's not many things that are sexier than a man getting groceries... :)

After Dion and I spent time at the Superstore, doing one of my least favorite things (grocery shopping), I went to get some gas at the new Co op Gas station downtown. While in there, I noticed they have different kinds of cappacchino flavors - mocha, english toffee and COFFEE CRISP!! So, I had to get one!! YUMMY! I encourage anyone who likes those kinds of things to try it!!

I went to the school to pick up the kids, and still had a few minutes before they got out. So, I read through a vision survey that a pastor from a church I used to attend sent me to fill out. It was encouraging to think about vision - both individual and for the church.

This morning between 9 and 9:30, a friend and I had sharing, Bible reading and prayer together. It was so great. God even gave me an interpretation for a dream she had!! SO cool.

Another friend of mine brought me lunch to my office today. It was SO nice. I thank God for the great people I have in my life.

I also received an email from another friend wishing me a great day and to say she loves me. I am so blessed.

Tomorrow... yet to be determined!

Day Six

2009-02-11T16:36:00.000-06:00

I left work at 1:40 today. I had planned nothing in advance and just left it in God's hands. I decided at some point during the day that I was going to make Wednesdays "Cheesecake Day" so I was going to go have some of Amy's delicious cheesecake all by myself. At 1:35, the phone rang. It was a church member giving me an announcement for the bulletin. I asked her what she was doing, and she said "nothing but sitting here", so I asked her to go for out with me. I picked her up, and we headed to Amy's. We had a really nice talk over coffee and cheesecake - I had Oreo and she had Fruit & Nut.

I knew that at some point I was going to have to tell her what is going on in my life right now, and God opened the door. I believe it was God who brought us together today. I suppose that's what I get for praying and asking God to direct me in what I do from onethirtytothree !!!

Tomorrow... groceries, I think. :(

Day Five

2009-02-10T16:47:00.000-06:00

I did not fulfil what I set out to do today. That makes me sad with myself, but it teaches me to make sure something is planned for tomorrow....

When I was done work, I went into the Sanctuary and played the piano for a while - which I always enjoy doing and would like to do more. After that, I went to my office and Jena started a conversation with me - LOVED it! It had been such a long time since we chatted with each other, and it was nice to be able to do that. I also talked with a friend on Facebook, which was also good. So, I guess my onethirtytothree wasn't all pointless.

On the UPside, I did start the day right!! After dropping the kids off at 9am, I have a half an hour to make use of before I start work. This morning, a friend called me and we had a time of sharing, reading God's Word and praying together during that half hour! It was a great time of connecting with each other and with God. I am thankful for that time this morning.

I guess what I have to remember is that as long as I available, a ready and willing vessel, God can use me - even when I don't have things planned. And, sometimes, He works through me even more when I am not scheduled.

Living my life every day with the wilingness to do as God leads is a great place to be in. I am thankful that I have time to be able to do that because of the way my work schedule is right now.

God, I pray that You will show me what I am to do in those moments when I am not obligated to be somewhere else. I give my time to You, and I pray Your blessing upon it. Amen.

Tomorrow... *shrugs shoulders* I'm here if anyone would like to go for coffee or something!

People Pleasin' Paula Pederson

2009-02-09T21:01:00.003-06:00

Dean's comment on my last post opened up something that I never realized before. He said: "... Maybe you want to stay, and yet you don't want to offend those who say "run". At the same time, you dont want to offend those you are leaving behind... Do what YOU need to do. There are no sides here that you should be so torn up over."

Let me explain...

I have been a people pleaser my whole life. I am a peace keeper, and I don't like it when there is dissention between people. THAT is why this is such a big decision for me. I "don't want to offend those who say "run"". AND, I "don't want to offend those I (you) are leaving behind." There is no possible way to please both sides! I feel like if I am hurting the ones I leave because I am choosing one over the other and I am hurting those at the other church if I decide not to go. But, that decision has been made. We are going to be attending NHCC. I feel guilty because I am not at the place where I am jump on board and be helping them out, but I know that will come - in time.

Dean is right, it is not about sides. It is about doing what I need to do, for ME. That does NOT come easy. But, I can't do what makes others happy in this situation; that just will not work. I need to do this for Dion, me and my family. THAT is my motivation.

That helps me SO much.

Ouch

2009-02-09T16:58:00.002-06:00

I am going further and further down into a pit. I am not depressed, I am stressed. I am in mental anguish/turmoil. I just want to leave it - all of it. The uncertainty and the unknown is killing me on the inside. I have never felt like this before. Ever. I feel like my insides are being ripped right out.

About three and a half years ago, I was told by some friends to "RUN" from Crossroads. Yesterday, different friends told me the same thing, "RUN!" I know I have to work this all out for myself. I am feeling physical pain from all this. I just want someone to understand why this is so difficult for me. I need to cry with someone who 'gets it'. I can't do this on my own any longer.

Why does this hurt so much?!

Songs

2009-02-09T09:26:00.003-06:00

Man, guys. It's been nearly a week since my last post and I still feel pretty much the same way. I still feel like I am being ripped apart and it is killing me. I am trying to make myself be okay with where I am the process, but it just hurts me so much! This song sums up some of how I am feeling.

"Changing World" by Kutless

I thought I had it all under control
I thought my fate was still in my hands
All of my plans were firmly set
By the words that I say

I forgot how quickly things can change
Now my vision can not be the same

[CHORUS:]
My life is not what I thought
I'm not where I planned to be
Though something's gone
There's nothing wrong with my changing world
Though something's gone
There's nothing wrong with my changing world

I need to let go of my destiny
I need to trust in things unseen
I believe in having faith
Though I yield my control

I forgot how quickly things can change
Now my vision can not be the same

[BRIDGE:]
I'm embracing all of my fears
I am watching them turn to delight
The very fears which were gripping my mind
Are now the hands shaping and sculpting my dreams

Then there's this song that has really been uplifting and helping me carry on:

"Hold Fast" by MercyMe

To everyone who's hurting
To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us
Please do not let go
I promise there is hope

Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is His grasp
So hold fast

Will this season ever pass?
Can we stop this ride?
Will we see the sun at last?
Or could this be our lot in life?
Please do not let go
I promise you there's hope

You may think you're all alone
And there's no way that anyone could know
What you're going through
But if you only hear one thing
Just understand that we are all the same
Searching for the truth
The truth of what we're soon to face
Unless someone comes to take our place
Is there anyone?
All we want is to be free
Free from our captivity, Lord

Day Four

2009-02-06T16:05:00.000-06:00

When I left work today, my friend Linda at I went to Dion's Aunt's place for a visit. Aunt Judy's husband died last year, so it's just her and her 20 year old son living there. Jeff works, so Aunt Judy spends a lot of time alone. She also had a heart attack back in September, and was diagnosed with insulin dependant diabeties.

We had a great talk with both Jeff and Judy. We were able to pray with them before we left. I know they enjoyed our visit, as did I.

That, to me, was ministry. Talking with and listening to someone who is having a dificult time and being able to share the love of Jesus with them. I honestly didn't know what kind of state she was in. She wasn't her old self. I can't even imagine how difficult things must be for her. I pray that God gives me an opportunity to somehoe bless them. They don't have much for family here, and I feel I have been failing in that department. Families take care of each other, right?? I pray that God will use me, and show me how to minister to them more.

Another thing I pray is that God will open other doors for me - that He will bring oppotunites to me to do.

Do you have any ideas? Any suggestions as to what I could for my One Thirty to Three ministry?? Please, comment and give me your thoughts!!

Tuesday... unknown!

Day Three

2009-02-05T15:59:00.000-06:00

Today I met up with my friend, Lynn, at the Art Hauser Center to do some more walking. We walked 9 laps, up from Lynn's 6 on Tuesday and my 8. The laps go quickly when there's someone to talk to!! I could have walked some more, as it is easy exercise and refreshing!!

Before we headed out, Lynn stopped at the bathroom. I could hear her texting ring tone from the foyer. When she came out, I asked, "Where you Toilet Texting?" I think that's funny. But, it is nice to be in contact with whoever, whenever you want - even on the toilet!!

After leaving the Arena, we went to Carlton Court Pharmacy. I got a V-8 with extra fiber. I got one of these on Tuesday after our walk, too, and I may make it a rountine. Who knows!!

I was a few minutes early picking up the kids, so I started to do some writing that I've been meaning to do for the past week or so. I didn't get it done, but I did get a start on it.

Tomorrow... a visit with Dion's aunt!

Day Two

2009-02-04T16:12:00.000-06:00

This was a day I've been waiting for for a long time. My friend Dixie and I have been trying to do out for a while, and it just never worked out. It finally did today.

We went to Amy's a cute, cozy restaurant. We share a lime and fruit salad which was I found to be quite yummy! There were 5 different kinds of fruit on some greens (not lettuce) tossed in a lime poppyseed dressing. Tasty!!!

After getting over the shock that we were both there without kids, we settled in to a nice conversation about life, church, direction, the whole bit. It was nice to visit with someone that is my age that is learning some of the things I am learning. Dixie is 12 days older than me, or something like that!

Then came time for cheesecake. I got white chocolate pecan with a cup of coffee. Mmm, mmm.

So, a really nice time indeed. I very much enjoyed our visit and our meal. I hope to do this again, one friend at a time.

Tomorrow ... walking some more.

Winter Beauties

2009-02-04T09:44:00.000-06:00

I Don't Know

2009-02-03T23:48:00.002-06:00

I am going to be honest here for a minute - I really feel like I am not going to make it through all this. There's just too much. New church. New job. New friends. New support system. That is 80% of my world being flopped into the unknown. No wonder I feel so lost. I know the end will be great, but the now is rough. God, I hope I make it through all in one piece. I don't even know who to go to for support right now - the church I sort of attend and work at, or the church we'll probably be attending? The church is the people, I know, but what people do I go to?

So much unknown. Barely enough 'known' left to get by.

Two New Blogs

2009-02-03T18:45:00.003-06:00

I have started two new blogs that are specialized in certain topics.

1. God Teaching Me is where I will write about the things I am learning either from the Bible, or God speaking to me, or the Holy Spirit leading me.

2. One Thirty to Three is where I will record and discuss the things I do during that time from Tuesday to Friday each week.

Just thought I'd let you know!

Day One

2009-02-03T17:49:00.000-06:00

I created this blog so I can share and keep track of my new ministry idea. After work Tuesday to Friday, from 1:30 to 3pm, I am going to do something. A planned something. Something I wouldn't normally do, or something that is treating myself or taking care of myself somehow.

Let's start with today:

After work, I met my friend, Lynn, at the Art Hauser Center. This Arena has its doors open for people to walk. We walked 6 laps together (7 is one mile), then I jogged one, and walked another one slowly to cool down. After our stretches, I went and sat in her truck with her while she had her lunch. Then, we went to Carlton Pharmacy to post my work mail and to get a drink. After she dropped me off at my car, I went to the dentist office to deliver their mail which was accidently brought to our office. While I was there, I made our yearly check up appointments for Sally, Harry and myself. As I was waiting for the kids to get out of school, I filled out the form for the dentist office, since Harry hasn't been there before, and dropped it off there, once I picked up the kids.

It's amazing how much I can accomplish when I make it a priority to do a set something from 1:30 to 3.

Tomorrow... coffee and cheesecake with a friend!

Just For Me

2009-02-03T16:07:00.004-06:00

Lately I have been finally taking the time to do things for myself, and to take care of myself better - even small things:

- I make sure I wash my face with Noxzema and apply Dovobet every night
- I started using the Vivid White toothpaste to, hopefully, whiten my teeth
- I do Pilates and the Ball Workout on opposite days of each other
- I am eating better - more fiber, less carbs, more salad, and healthy snacks like almonds, fruit and seeds
- I stopped having sugar in my coffee, and only use the flavored cream for special occasions
- I read my Bible every day, and plan to read it through this year
- I do devotions with, and pray with, Dion every night
- I've really cut back on my yelling
- I play with the kids more and am making an effort to have more special moments with them
- I keep up on the dishes so that it doesn't take me an hour to wash them all. I wash them all at once instead of letting them "soak" for a while

Today I came up with another way to take care of myself, and to do some ministry. Since I am now done work at 1:30pm every day, I have decided that 1:30-3pm (when I pick up the kids) is ME TIME. Here are some of the ideas I have to do in that time:

- Walk with a friend at the Art Hauser Center (like I did today)
- Go for coffee and cheesecake with a friend (like I am doing tomorrow)
- Visit some of the older ladies from our church
- Visit people in the Hospital

That's all I've come up with yet, as I only discovered this new found freedom today! I would like to have something on my calender for everyday at 1:30, Tuesday to Friday. It may be shopping when absolutely necessary, but not if I can help it!!

Do you have any ideas of things I can do for just over an hour that would bless me and bless others?? I would love to hear your suggestions!!

Crossroads Chapter

2009-02-02T18:35:00.003-06:00

Have you ever felt like you are at the end of a chapter in your life? That is EXACTLY how I am feeling. I know that I am living out the last few pages of this chapter. Not only is it the chapter of my twenties, it is the chapter of Crossroads Church. I have worked there for 6 years, and I have attended there for 7 years. That’s a good chunk of my life, and it’s pretty much ALL of my children’s lives. Now, here we are, on the verge of leaving. I have already resigned from the ministry side of my position, and, starting tomorrow, I will work only the secretary job. That’s four hours a day, four hours a week. The end of a chapter can mean so much. I am excited about what the next chapter holds, but I am apprehensive about how this one is going to end. I can’t imagine having to do this without God. I only make it through each day because I live in the reality that He is already working things out – and that He knows how it’s going end. He has great things in store for me, my husband, my marriage, my kids, and my family. I know that. I don’t know what those great things are, but I know that as long as I am obedient and I am living in relationship with God, then He is orchestrating it all and I don’t need to worry.

Leaving Crossroads is such a big step for me, and I am nearly brought to tears every time I think about it. I know that I can no longer go to church separate from Dion, and for that revelation I am thankful. But, for some reason, that doesn’t make it much easier. I love the people there, I enjoy my job, I have been involved in ministry there for 6½ years, my baby was dedicated there, and there is where I did the majority of my 20’s life. I grew A LOT there. I learned a lot there. I invested a lot there. Now, I am going to leave it. I feel like I need to grieve it.

For now, I am going to work my secretary hours, but I know that it’s nor permanent. I will continuing doing my best at my job, until I know what I am to do next. As of now, only God knows what that is going to be. It’ll be either working somewhere else, or going to College. Either way, I have a few pages to fill before the next chapter starts.

I am so thankful that God is with me through all this, and that I have supportive, loving friends, like the one I had coffee with today. And, I am thankful for the renewing of my marriage, my home and my life. To God be the glory for the great things He has done… and what He is going to do. Amen.

Little Miss Ocean

2009-01-29T20:19:00.000-06:00

I have no idea how to handle my own daughter. I am a horrible parent. Cailyn says she hates me and that I hate her. I cannot go on any longer covering this up and acting like everything is dandy, when the truth is we need serious help. What have I done?? Did me leaving Dion for a couple of months throw her over the edge? I know it started from the beginning of her life when she would hear way more than she needed to hear. She heard her mom and dad yelling at each other too much. Never, though, did we say we hated each other. That is a word that I don't even like to use in regards to anything, let alone a person. Her and I butt heads all the time. She is the me that doesn't know how to control herself. Dear God, I pray that she's not bipolar. I would have a very difficult time with that. I can't stand the fact that her environment has made her the way she is. I know that she is the way she is because she has seen it, been exposed to it, and because I have allowed her more freedom than I should have. I should have been more stern and more of a disciplinarian from the beginning. Instead, I was trying to keep the peace, at any expense. There was enough yelling going on that I didn't want to get into it with her, too. Boy, has that ever come back to bite me in the butt. What in the world am I supposed to do now that it is completely out of control?? I am the mother. I need to make this right. I need to make my relationship with her a high priority. I need to go on dates with her and play with her more.

I love her so much that it hurts, and I can't stand having a relationship like this with my own baby girl. It tears me apart inside nearly everyday.

God, please, help me. I can't do this on my own any longer.

Brewing Post

2009-01-27T17:32:00.002-06:00

This morning didn’t start that great. Upon getting into the car, late, I discovered that I needed gas. So, the first stop was the gas station. When I went to pay, the dreaded ‘insufficient funds’ came up. So, I told them I’d be back after I went to the bank. After dropping the kids off at school, I went to work. My friend was waiting there for me, with a coffee in hand. We visited for about 20 minutes when I was called into a staff meeting.

During the meeting, I was on edge. It may have been because of the money thing, or it may just have been because of everything I’ve been working through lately – either way, I did not find the meeting to be satisfactory.

When the meeting was done, I finally had a minute, but only a minute, to eat my cereal and yogurt. As I was eating, I read a friend’s Facebook status that said he was wanting a good cup of coffee. Now, for anyone who knows me, you know that when an opportunity for a Random Act of Kindness is presented, I want to take it. So, that’s what I did. I needed to go downtown anyway, to get an office supply, so to stop at his workplace was not even out of my way. So, off I went.

After picking up the Tim’s coffee, I headed out to the main road. As I did, I apparently failed to make a complete stop at a stop sign, and a Cop was quick to see and acknowledge my mistake. Yup, I got pulled over. I have not been pulled over since grade 12, and that was for a missing headlight. And, to top it all off, it wasn’t one of those cute, fit, dreamy Police Men, it was a LADY! Sheesh…

After receiving my $230.00 ticket, I was on my way. I dropped off the coffee, went to get what I needed for the office, picked up the little girl from school that I drop off at her daycare, then I went to the gas station to pay my gas bill.

As I was driving to the station, I turned off the music in my car, and said to myself, “I need to figure out and talk about what is going on here.” So, I had out loud talk between myself and God. I was determined to figure out why these things happened – all before 11:30am. It was during that conversation that a lot of learning took place…

Have you ever heard the saying, “my wheels are turning” when talking about your mind going, racing, thinking, etc??? That was put into perspective for me today, all because of a STOP sign.

For the past few weeks, my life has been an emotional rollercoaster. It started when Dion and I separated, and now it’s like I don’t know what’s happening from one Sunday to the next. I have decisions that I need to make, and I am constantly trying to figure it out in my head. I run through possibility after possibility, I see scenario after scenario of things could be. I analyze every word, action and look that I’ve been a part of during the course of a day.

Last night, a pastor friend and I were chatting on Facebook. He knows a little about what is going on in my life right now, and he said God told him to tell me this: “Rest in the reality that God is already working things out.” I like that. I went to bed last night, peaceful. Dion and I talked, we did our devotions, prayed, and I went into a peaceful sleep. My brain wheels stopped turning.

Back to today…

As I was talking to God in the car, He spoke clearly to me. I was told to REST. To rest means to stop. A car is not considered stopped until “the wheels are no longer turning.” I have not been resting; I haven’t really stopped in a long time. My wheels are constantly turning as I try to figure things out for myself. That is not real rest. That’s not a complete stop. Instead of analyzing, and trying to figure my life out, I need simply to stop and rest in God’s love. I need to give myself the break that God told me to take. I need to trust that He has everything in control. I need to trust in God – He is orchestrating the things that are happening in my life for a bigger purpose than I can see right now. He loves me, and he cares about EVERY single thing that happens to me. He wants to teach me through all of life’s events – even getting a ticket.

About Anger

2009-01-25T16:33:00.002-06:00

Anger is an emotion. It’s okay to get angry.

There are 2 things not to do when angry:
1. Do not sin
2. Do not let the sun go down – anger is the “sun down” sin
- the more times you go to bed angry, the worse it gets. It continues to build.
- The #1 cause of divorce is unresolved anger.

Purpose of anger:
1. It moves us to action

Lingering, pent-up anger is unresolved.

Consequences of unresolved anger:
1. Distancing oneself from people

Anger feeds on:
1. Frustration
2. Hurt
3. Fear

Anger is a filter that lets only the negative in.

If you don’t see the positive, the good things in life and the good God is doing, then you are living in anger.

EIGHT STEPS TO DECOMPRESS ANGER
(as they were given to me)

1. Recognize the need to change the present situation.
- Anger is like a DVD of past offences being played over and over
- Be willing to eject the tape
- You choose to be bitter or be better

2. Define and analyze each offence.
- Someone or something is taking away from us something we don’t want to lose, or keeping us away from something we want to gain. (hopes and fears)
- Write down exactly what happened
- Name the perceived loss

3. Allow yourself to grieve (feel the loss).
- Essential to healing and emotional health
- Say it. “X” hurt me

GRIEF STAGES lead to personal growth:
1. Denial – “I’m strong”
- minimize hurt
- acknowledge and slowly release
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

4. Try to understand your offender.
- Primary step to heal the hurt
- Difficult, but the power is in the attempt
- Realize that their actions stem from similar pain

5. Release your offender.
- Give up the desire for revenge
- Say, with a witness, the words, “I release/forgive X”
- Forgiveness means to untie the bridle

6. Watch for the pearls in the offence.
- The benefits that came or are happening
- Find what to be grateful for

7. Put your feelings in writing.
- A letter or email to the offender (not to be sent)
- Include all the above

8. Reach out to the offender.
- (Romans 12:14, 17-21)
- The hardest, but changes both you and the offender

One of My Decompressions

2009-01-24T22:04:00.001-06:00

Those of you who have been around my blog for a while know that I was sexually abused when I was in grade eight.

While I was at my parent’s place, while Dion and I were separated, I was seeing the Pastor there for counselling. He gave me 8 steps to decompress anger. I was encouraged to take past offences and apply the steps to it. I did that with a lot of things from my life, and it helped IMMENSELY!! I'd like to share with you some of the steps I did with the guy that abused me - I'll call him Don.

Step 4 - Understand the Offender

- Don was a 15 year old guy who was going through puberty. He used me to fulfil what he was searching for and wanting to experience. He was a sexually excited high school boy.
- I don’t know what kind of painful experience he went through, but it must have been difficult and really bad.
- He was not a really good looking got and probably had low self esteem, and felt inadequate next to his relatives and buddies. There’s a lot of pressure in a small town/school to keep up with status quo.

Step 6 – The Pearls

- I have been able to talk to and emphasize with SO many people (especially women) that have been sexually abused. I can often see it in people after only talking with them for a few minutes. Sometimes I can tell just by looking at them.
- It has made me a stronger, more compassionate person. I can say, “I understand” and really mean, “I understand.” And, I am thankful for that.
- I can look forward to meeting and helping many more people on this journey to Jesus.

Step 7 – Put Your Feelings in Writing

Don,

What you did to me was horrible. You took my innocence from me, you took away my trust in men, and because of your dirty actions, I grew up with a warped mind and therefore with unhealthy sexual development. You robbed me of being in a normal, intimate relationship for many years, and I won’t let you have that bondage over me anymore. I hate what you did to me, and all the ways it has affected my life negatively. However, I serve a God that is bigger than you, bigger than what you did to me, and bigger than all the negativity that came out of it. I serve a God who is turning around the bad into good, and working it together for His purpose. He is orchestrating every moment of my life and I am MUCH stronger today that EVER before.

So, in some odd/sick way, I am somehow thankful for what you did. It has taught me so much. I can emphasize with women who have been hurt and I am more compassionate than I ever thought I could be. And, most of all, it has made me depend on God everyday and in every situation.

________________________

Since working these steps with the sexual abuse offense, my load is 100% lighter. And, I did the steps with about 8 dfferent offences. That means I am A LOT more free than I was before!! This really worked for me and it changed my life.

If you'd like to know more about the Eight Steps for Decompressing Unresolved Anger, just ask!!